


When Haven't I Been In Love With You

by BisexualPheonix



Category: Sanvers - Fandom, Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Light Angst, Longing, Love, Smut, sanvers au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2019-08-07 10:52:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 23,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16407071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BisexualPheonix/pseuds/BisexualPheonix
Summary: A few lil somethings because yesterday was Maggie Sawyer day so, same universe but alternative route to Sanvers who, as we all know, are endgame.





	1. When We Meet

          The first time Alex saw Maggie the President had just been attacked. Alex had been surveying the tarmack an hour later when she spotted the detective kneeling down and eyeing over some fried plane that had already been marked as evidence. Alex walked over quickly, her jaw set, ready to tell off this woman who was contaminating her crime scene.

          She was surprised though, at this _Detective Maggie Sawyer, NCPD Science Division_ , who didn’t retreat like the police usually did when she waved her Secret Service badge in her face. Instead the Detective stepped forward, refusing to break eye contact with her hands on her hips as she asserted that the airport was in her jurisdiction. Alex wouldn’t have it because _your jurisdiction ends where I say it does_ , so Maggie walked off with a nod and a _see you around Danvers._

  


          Alex had thought, in fact she had been sure, that the tarmic would be the last time she saw the detective. So when she led her strike team into a warehouse only to find it abandoned, with Sawyer rising again from that same kneel, she was taken aback. Maggie had found the warehouse before her, and with considerably less resources, answering Alex’s questioning on how she found it with a cocky, “I’m a detective Agent Danvers, I detect.”

          When Maggie stated that Alex was DEO she didn’t deny it. Instead she gave her a look, one that usually stopped people in their tracks and made them back down, but Maggie only smirked at her again, her arms crossed. Miffed at the lack of a reaction Alex stormed off, unaware that Maggie's eyes followed her all the way out of the warehouse.

  


          Alex was halfway through asking Maggie how she’d gotten her number before she stopped mid-sentence. Instead she huffed out a quick, “What do you want?” as she leaned back into the soft cushions of her couch. Kara looked over at her, her eyes knit from Alex’s exasperated tone. She watched as her sisters face relaxed and she began nodding, so Kara decided not to listen in on her conversation.

          “Alright, see you in a few,” Alex said as she ended the call, turning back to Kara who had almost dropped the bowl of popcorn she was holding. Alex meeting someone on a Tuesday night was extremely uncommon. In fact, if it wasn’t work related she never went anywhere but Kara’s or her apartment on a weekday. Kara knew it couldn’t have been James or Winn because they had gone to some conference for the DEO and weren’t going to be back until Friday.

          “So where you going?” Kara asked, trying not to seem too interested.

          “I’m not sure, Sawyer said she’d text me the address and to meet her at 7:30,” Alex said as she grabbed the remote to play the movie.

          “Hold up,” Kara said grabbing the remote a little too forcefully from Alex’s hand. “You’re  meeting Sawyer?”

          Alex nodded as she tried to grab for the remote, but Kara held her at bay with one arm.

          “Like the Detective Sawyer who you wouldn’t stop complaining about just two days ago?” she asked just to be sure, because there had been a fair amount of complaining on Alex’s part.

          “Yes Kara, that Sawyer,” Alex sighed as she gave up on trying to grab the remote, instead choosing to grab a handful of popcorn from Kara’s bowl. “Why?”

          “Well because you’re making friends other than Winn and James,” Kara said practically jumping up and down with joy in her Hello Kitty pj’s.

          “Okay first of all, Winn is not my friend,” Alex said with conviction, ignoring Kara’s sad face as she continued, “and Maggie just said to meet her. She probably just has some information on a case or something.”

          “Oh,” Kara said instantly deflating. Then she perked up, “It doesn’t mean you can’t still be friends though.”

          Alex rolled her eyes at that. Her, friends with Maggie? Unlikely.

          “Wait, you’re meeting her at 7:30?” Kara asked.

          “Yeah....”

          “Oh my god it’s six, we barely have enough time for you to get ready,” Kara exclaimed as she grabbed Alex’s arm and dragged her into her room. Alex didn’t want to change yet, but she knew she didn’t stand a chance against Kara.

          An hour and seven outfit changes later, Alex stood in the middle of her room in skin tight blue jeans and a low-cut white blouse, with her favorite brown boots on to match. Kara stood back after applying light makeup to Alex’s face with a wide smile from ear to ear.

          “Oh yeah, that’s the look,” she said right before she sped through Alex’s room, cleaning up everything that she had ripped out of the drawers and closet in her earlier excitement.

          “Alright if that’s it mom I’m gonna go now,” Alex huffed as she grabbed her favorite brown leather jacket and slid it on over her shoulders. Kara rolled her eyes with a smile as she walked towards the window.

          “Just go have fun Alex,” she said right before she jumped out.

  


          Alex pulled up to the location Maggie had sent her at exactly 7:25. Maggie was standing in the alley as she rolled in, and for some reason Alex decided to pull right up to her. She slid off her Ducati, taking her helmet off and shaking out her hair. Maggie, dressed in an outfit oddly similar to Alex’s but with a black leather jacket, walked up to her.

          “Nice ride,” she observed. “I have a Triumph at home myself,” she said as she turned and led Alex down the alley. Alex smiled at that.

          “What are we doing here?” she asked, following close behind Maggie as they were let into a hidden dive bar.

          “I thought I’d buy you a drink,” Maggie said with a smile as she walked in.

          It took less than three seconds for Alex’s hand to go flying for her gun- which Kara had insisted she not take but that Alex would not leave the house without- and Maggie caught it with a “woah, easy there Danvers.” She kept hold of it as she led them to a table, Alex finally calming down after a few seconds.

          “So this is where you get all your information about the alien populace in National city,” Alex said as they sat across from one another.

          “Eh,” Maggie shrugged, “They also make a mean peach mojito.”

          A female alien walked up to their table and slammed two beers down on the table. She looked at Maggie with a sneer. “You moved on quick,” she threw over her shoulder as she walked back to the bar.

          “That waitress, is she Worltacon?” Alex asked with intrigue.

          “Yes she is,” Magie replied, taking a quick sip of her beer before placing it back on the table.

          “I’ve read Worltacon can make telepathic connections by making physical connections with the dorsum of the tongue,” Alex began with fascination.

          “How do you think she learned English?” Maggie said leaning forward in her chair. “She’s my ex.”

          “Oh, okay,” Alex said, looking back at the alien who had busied herself behind the bar. Maggie took that moment to stare at Alex’s face while she wasn’t looking, waiting for any reaction that she was homophobic. Maggie had been open, completely open to everyone, about her sexuality since college. And while she wasn’t afraid to be out, or to let anyone know that she was in fact gay, she always made it a point to let anyone who might get close to her know as early as possible just in case. She didn’t want a repeat of what had happened her junior year, her roomate thinking she wasn’t actually gay and then when she found out demanding that she get a new roommate. Or anything worse. There had, of course, been worse.

          But she detected nothing as Alex’s gaze swiveled back to hers, so she continued. “I don’t strictly date aliens, though I do like them more than most humans.” She didn’t know why she said that, why she had to make it clear that she was just as up for dating humans as she was aliens. She had a girlfriend and it was obvious from a hundred yards away that Alex was straight. Not to mention she was DEO, an organization so dark they pretended to be CIA for fun. But something about Alex was… different.

          “Why?” Alex asked, leaning in to Maggie's space.

          “I can relate to them, I guess,” Maggie said, instantly separating her feelings from her explanation as she continued. “Growing up a non-white, non-straight girl in Blue Springs Nebraska? I might as well have been from Mars,” she laughed as she took another sip from her drink that was getting dangerously low. “I was an outcast and I felt like it. Our alien neighbors are no different. Most of them are hard working immigrants or refugees just trying to get by. And they have to hide who they are in order to survive. I can sympathize with that.”

          Alex nodded thoughtfully.

          “Well, my guy should be here sometime soon. Until then, you play pool?” Maggie asked, standing up.

          Alex smirked. “I’ll grab another round, and you rack?”

          “Sure,” Maggie said as she walked towards her favorite table in the back. She had just finished racking and grabbed two cues when Alex handed her a beer. She took a sip and handed Alex a cue, gesturing at the table when she didn’t move.

          “You should probably break,” Alex said, smirking as she leaned against the table behind her and drank from her bottle.

          It took three minutes for Maggie to realize she was out of her league. It’s not as if she was a terrible pool player. In fact she was quite good. When she was 19 she would hustle bikers out of their money at pool halls on weekends to help pay rent for college. So she had potted 4 balls before Alex got a turn. And Alex managed to pot all seven of her stripes in a row. Maggie got her turn when Alex’s 8 ball missed the pot by a fraction of an inch, but she only managed to pot two more before she missed. Alex proceeded to pot her ball in one swift movement, looking up at Maggie with the smirk that she had grown oddly used to by now.

          Maggie stood with her eyebrows raised. She had just had her ass handed to her for the first time in 3 years. Alex put down her cue, stepping towards Maggie. “I guess I should have warned you,” she said, the smirk still on her face.

          Maggie smiled as she walked around Alex to re-rack, “Oh it’s not over yet Danvers.”

 

          When Maggie got taken during the President’s speech, three weeks after they had spent their first entire night playing pool, Alex had felt… something. Something akin to anger but deeper, harder. Something close to rage.

          She had grown oddly close to Maggie, who had figured her out more in three weeks than most of the people she had worked with for the last four years. Maggie was so similar to her- a workaholic yes, but also sarcastic and funny. It’s like they were on the same wavelength. And she was almost as competitive as Alex. Almost.

          Alex looked everywhere she could think of, finally ending up at the dive bar that Maggie had taken her to only a month ago. She walked in, not caring how crazy or threatening she looked to the aliens inside as she demanded to know if anyone had seen the Infernian that had taken Maggie.

          She snapped when one of them who had previously claimed to be a friend refused to say anything, almost putting a bar stool through his throat. She kept herself from permanently injuring him, barely, when someone told her a location. Throwing the stool to the side she stormed out of the bar, whipping her phone out of her pocket as she called Supergirl.

          “She’s at the Foundry.”

 

          Alex sped through the streets of National City, reaching the Foundry in a mere 10 minutes. She snuck in through the back, not wanting to alert the Infernian to her presence. She walked around a corner and spotted her yelling in Maggies face about an alien registry just as Supergirl flew in and landed with a thud. Alex rolled her eyes. If that wasn’t extra she didn’t know what was.

          She used the barrels as cover as she ran over to Maggie, Kara distracting “Red-Hot” as she cut her loose. The Infernian lost her patience with Supergirl began throwing fire just as Alex and Maggie jumped out the way.

          “RUN!!!” Alex screamed to Maggie as she pulled out her gun and began shooting at the alien, trying to draw her attention. She did pretty quickly, and fire was sent her way. Alex dropped her gun as she dove away, crawling across the floor to try and stay covered.

          Supergirl ran by and flew circles around Red Hot, drawing the Oxygen out of the room, and taking out her fire. Red Hot feel to her knees and screamed in frustration. She saw Alex’s gun and reached for it, only to have her hand stomped into the ground. She yelled out in pain as she looked up, only to be met by a steel bar right to the face, swung by one Maggie Sawyer.

          Maggie looked up, breathing heavily with a crazy smile on her face.

          “You guys are fun.”

  


          “This place is sick,” Maggie said after Alex finished patching up her shoulder burn. “Like James Bond bad guy hideout sick.”

          Alex swelled with pride. “We have our moments,” she said, not telling Maggie that she had been the one to design this new building that had been built only 2 years ago.

          “Minor first-degree burn and a bruised collarbone. You’ll be fine in a few days,” she said, taking off her gloves.

          “Gee, I didn’t think you cared,” Maggie said with a cheeky smile.

          “Yeah, well-”

          “I’m just kidding. I owe you big, you totally saved my life.”

          “Happy to,” Alex said, her smile returning. “You did something for me too. You reminded me that all aliens aren’t hostiles to be caged.”

          “You know, I don’t really do well with partners but I think we made a pretty good team,” she said as she stood, sliding her jacket on over her shoulders.

          “You know, you should get some rest. You can stay here if you want,” Alex said, knowing that Maggie wasn’t going to stay. Alex wouldn’t have either.

          “Oh, I can’t,” she said pushing her hair back.

          “What, you got a hot date or something?” Alex smiled, crossing her arms.

          “Actually I do, and I don’t want to keep the lady waiting so I’ll see you around Danvers.”

          Alex’s smile dropped an iota as she watched Maggie walk off, and an unfamiliar feeling tugged in her stomach. She pushed it aside, choosing to clean up her area. She had a long night of paperwork ahead.

  


          Alex had just showered after a training session with Kara when her phone rang.

          “Danvers.”

          “It’s Sawyer. Wanna see a dead body?”

 

          Alex reached the crime scene in fifteen minutes, walking up to Maggie just as Supergirl landed on the scene.

          “Forgot you two were running buddies,” Maggie said with an eye roll that Alex missed.

          Alex and Maggie talked over the scene, running through scenarios and surveying their information like a well oiled machine. Neither of them had ever really been a team player, preferring to lone wolf the whole crime solving thing. But something about them working together just felt right.

          They split up soon after to reach out to their contacts, and Maggie called Alex the next day.

          “Sawyer,” Alex said with a smile at the familiarity of the name as it crossed her lips.

          “Danvers, I got a tip. You in?” Maggie asked, even though she already knew Alex would say yes.

          “That was fast,” Alex said, but not at all surprised by Maggies efficiency.

          “I’m texting you the location. Oh, and I almost forgot… wear something nice,” Maggie said with a smile in her voice.

  


          Kara dropped Alex off a few blocks from the location because riding a motorcycle in a dress wasn’t something she exactly liked to do. But then again, neither was flying in one. She walked the rest of the way, strutting down an alley when she saw Maggie, thinking about how funny it was that every time they met after dark it was in an alley.

          She called out to her, and her mouth dropped when Maggie turned around. She was wearing a sleeveless black dress that formed to her curves quite nicely, and showed off her well toned arms. Alex’s mouth went dry all of a sudden, when she noticed that the heels Maggie wore made her slightly taller than Alex.

          “You clean up nice,” Maggie said as she took in Alex striding towards her in a sexy blue cutout dress.

          Alex felt a swoop in her stomach. “You do do with the shoes and the hair, and all the…” she finished, gesturing towards Maggie.

          “I’m not all business.

          “But this is, right? I mean, what are we doing here?”

          “Wait for it. Here,” Maggie said, as she handed Alex a mask. Alex put it on and turned around so that Maggie could tie it. Maggie's breath was caught in her throat at the sight of Alex’s back, which was very much on display with the low cut of the dress. She knew Alex was strong, she had seen the woman achieve many amazing feats of athleticism over the past few weeks. But seeing the way the muscle in her back rippled as she held up a mask?

          Maggie needed a moment. Eventually though, her brain caught up with itself and she tied Alex’s mask. They began walking into the building and the crowd thickened.

          Maggie grabbed Alex’s hand, and Alex felt the swoop in her stomach from earlier, but much stronger. Her step stuttered, but thankfully Maggie didn’t seem to notice as she righted herself and hastened her steps.

          Once they got inside, they lasted fifteen minutes. In those fifteen minutes they had scoped the building out from the inside, recognized some of the top government officials from city hall, watched 2 illegal alien death matches, been spotted, and shot off 7 bullets from a gun they had stolen from a security guard.

          They were laughing about that fact on the way to the station; Maggie saying that Alex had lasted a whole five minutes longer than she expected, and Alex rebuttling that Maggie had been the one to fire the gun in the first place.

 

          The laughing ended when Roulette was let go.

          “I should’ve planted something on her,” Maggie said as she hooked her cuffs onto her belt. “Sometimes I wish I wasn’t such a good cop.”

          “I think you’re a great cop,” Alex said almost instantly, the truth of the statement ringing in her ears.

          Maggie’s head tilted, her forehead crinkled in surprise. “You getting soft on me?” she laughed.

          “Pfft, no,” Alex said, heat rising to her cheeks. “Look, I know in crappy moments like this I could use a drink. So what do you say? First rounds on me.”

          “Oh, I can’t,” Maggie started, her explanation cut off as a beautiful blonde walked up and pulled her into a kiss. “Hey babe,” she said with a dimpled smile that made Alex’s heart drop to her feet.

          “Next time?” Maggie said as she walked past Alex, her hand pulling along that of her  brand new girlfriend, Emily.

          “Of course,” Alex said letting them pass, a frown tugging on her face as she watched them walk off.


	2. Best Friends

         Over the next few months Alex learned a lot about Maggie. There were some trivial things, like the fact that she only took her bagel dry and double toasted (gross), and that her favorite season was fall because of halloween, and that she loved her leather jackets (all black by the way) more than she liked most people. And there were the deep things, like how Maggie always closed off and diverted when she talked about family, or how hard it was for her growing up gay in Nebraska, or how much harder she worked for the kids that no one else seemed to care about, the brown and queer and alien kids that everyone else wanted to leave behind.

         And then there were the special things that just made Maggie, Maggie. Like that her second pair of dimples only came out when she was laughing so hard she was almost crying. Or the way she bit her lip when she felt like she was really close to figuring something out about a case. And even the way her head tilted and her eyebrows furrowed whenever Alex complemented her, as if she was surprised at the recognition.

         She also learned a lot about Maggie's newest girlfriend. In all honesty Maggie didn’t talk about Emily that much, and Alex didn’t really ask. Alex did however do a background check.

         Alex decided she was snooty and narcissistic within the first five minutes of actually meeting her, but she pushed those feelings down and tried to get to know her better for the sake of Maggie, because Maggie... well Maggie was her best friend. When had Maggie become her best friend?

         She tried not to make her dislike for Emily all that obvious, the girl wasn’t all bad. After all, she donated twice Alex’s yearly paycheck to a different charity every month. But she didn’t like Alex, which was painfully obvious to anyone with eyes.

         So Alex avoided her. But Maggie loved having Alex over to study case files, and one night they had been going over a case when Maggie's girlfriend came home early. Seeing the look on Emily’s face Alex excused herself with a  _ See you around Sawyer _ , and brushed past Emily on her way out the door.

         At the end of the hall Alex realised she had forgotten some of the case files that she still wanted to look over. She hurried back down the hall and had just rounded the corner where Maggie’s apartment stood when she heard yelling.

         “... AND I PAY FOR THIS APARTMENT MAGGIE, ME. NOT YOU. SO WHEN I SAY THAT I DON’T WANT HER IN HERE I MEAN IT!!!!” Alex heard Emily’s voice shriek through the door.

         “Babe…” she heard Maggie's voice begin tiredly, as if they had had this argument before. “She’s a work colleague, we were working. Just like Jessica and I were last week. Can you just calm down?”

         “Alex is more than a colleague Maggie, so let’s not pretend she isn’t,” she heard Emily continue, her shrieking having gone down some.

         “Yeah, you’re right. She’s not just a colleague,” Maggie started, her voice still calm. “She’s my best friend. She is my best friend,” she repeated to emphasize the point. Alex’s heart swelled at hearing that.

         “And I have told you before she’s straight, just like Jess, so you don’t have to keep worrying about-”

         “I DON’T CARE MAGGIE! I DON’T CARE IF SHE’S STRAIGHT! THIS IS MY APARTMENT, I PAY FOR ALL OF THIS. AND I SAY THAT SHE DOES NOT COME IN MY APARTMENT!!!”

         Alex heard a door slam. She leaned against the wall in the hallway, her head in her hands and her heart jumping in her chest. She had just lost Maggie. She knew it. Why would Maggie choose her over her rich, hot, blonde girlfriend? She could feel herself getting sick as she stood in the elevator. She felt a pain like she didn’t know she could feel, bile rising in her throat at the thought that she had just lost her best friend.

         There was a reason Alex didn’t let people close to her- because they always left. Usually though they died, so she figured this was a step up. She stepped out the elevator and all but ran to her bike. She glanced up at the apartment that she knew was Maggie's, and she swore she saw someone looking out of the window right at her. She stared up at them for a few seconds, before she saw the curtains close and the light go off.

         Shaking, from anger or fear or sadness, she put her helmet on her head and revved her bike, pulling off hard. She rode through the city to her apartment going over  the whole way.

         Alex felt numb by the time she walked into her apartment. She dropped her helmet on the stand by the door and walked over the the kitchen, pouring herself some whiskey. Beer just wouldn’t do it tonight.

         But as she sipped on her drink her mind wandered back to Maggie, who had in fact bought her this whiskey after losing 7 straight games of pool and saying that this way Alex would get her payment without Maggie going broke.

         Her heart ached, and she couldn’t figure out why. It felt like something was sitting on her chest and she couldn’t relieve the pressure. Tears began flowing down her face, the first tears she had shed in almost a year. Her body was shaking and her breath was stuck in her throat as her mind realized why she was so upset. Why it hurt so much. Because God knows, it hurt.

         And so she drank. She drank until she couldn’t remember why she was really sad. She drank until the last thing she could remember was leaving Maggie’s apartment. She drank, and then she stumbled into bed, forgetting her 30 second revelation the night before.


	3. Because She's Straight

         The next day Alex woke up at noon. In 7 years this was maybe the third time she had ever woken up past 9.

         She got out of bed and her head was aching. She walked over to the counter and got herself some Tylenol and a water. The cool water refreshed her mind, and a gloom settled over her as she remembered what she had heard the night before at Maggie’s.

         Deciding that she needed to be distracted, Alex showered and went to the DEO to work. She threw herself into her work that day, pushing herself and Kara as hard as she ever did, allowing shorter breaks and longer fighting because  _ do you really think a rogue alien is gonna sit there while you take 5 for a water break? _

         At about 4 o’clock Alex hears the familiar ding that she had set on her phone for only two people- and one of them she was sparring with. She ended this round early and threw Kara a Gatorade before she walked over to her bag. Her hands were shaking as she searched for her phone, which she almost dropped when she yanked it out of the bag,

         She opened her phone and went straight to Sawyers message which simply read

**Hey Danvers, can’t go over case files tonight. Maybe tomorrow? I’m pretty busy so I’ll call you when I can.**

**-Sawyer**

         Alex’s heart dropped even further than she knew was possible.  _ And so it begins, _ she thinks as she throws her phone down not bothering to answer.  _ The beginning of the end. _

  
  


         Maggie and Alex texted for almost two weeks, but not like they had before. Before they had texted all day, at every break they got, and had even called each other at least once a day to talk. Now their texts were short and sweet, more of a check-in to make sure they were both still alive than anything.

         Alex pretended that it didn’t bother her, losing someone she had met just a few months ago that had gotten closer to her than people she had known for years. But she had fallen back into the routine that she had when she first started the DEO and Kara was still in college- where work trumped everything.

         Maggie pretended that it didn’t bother her, losing her only real friend just because she was hoping that this strong like she felt for Emily would turn into love. But it hurt, more than she would have ever admit.

         Then one night, now almost two weeks into her distancing herself from Alex, Emily picks  _ another _ fight. Maggie comes home an hour late after a hostage negotiation and Emily goes off the deep end. She’s screaming at Maggie before she can even make it through the door.

         “You were with HER weren’t you?!?!?” she screaming at Maggie who, for a moment, is confused about who she’s talking about until she remember that it’s Alex. Because it’s always Alex. Because Alex gets brought up in almost all of their arguments now so how could she really forget?

         “No, I wasn’t babe, there was a hostage-”

         “Oh please, spare me the excuses. There’s always a hostage or a murder or paperwork or something. ALWAYS! And don’t think I don’t know that half the time you only stay because  _ Alex _ is there,” she says with a mocking tone.

         “What does Alex have to do with any of this!?!?!” Maggie finally screams at Emily, because she’s had enough. Because she’s asked before, but Emily never deems her questions good enough to answer and usually just keeps rattling on about how horrible Maggie is.

         Emily is taken aback, but she had just reached her stride in the argument so her hands fly back to her hips.

         “Are you kidding me Maggie!?!?!?! She’s in love with you!!!” Emily screams out.

         “She’s not in love with me,” Maggie says back, her hands out towards Emily, trying to calm her down.

         “She’s not in love with you?” Emily repeats in a sarcastic tone. “Tell me, how is she not in love with you Maggie? Huh??? Tell me, because I would damn sure like to know!!!”

         “She’s not because...” Maggie's voice trails off.

         “Because what?” Emily asks, finally stopped from pacing.

         “Because…” her voice trails off again.  _ Because she’s beautiful. Because she’s smart and funny and loving and nice. Because she cares, she really cares about me. Because she’s strong, because she’s unbreakable. Because she’s perfect. And I’m just… me. _

         Maggie’s eyes raise, her jaw set. “Because she’s straight.”


	4. The Love We Deserve

         Maggie goes silent for three weeks.

         The fourth day she doesn’t text back, Alex begins to worry that she’s hurt. But when she calls her precinct she finds out that Maggie is fine and has been doing paperwork all day. On the eighth day, she begins to understand and comes to realize that this, this is the end of their friendship. What she had been dreading. She stopped trying to reach her on day nine.

         Alex started cutting people off after that. She stopped going to the bar with Vazquez and Lucy. She canceled 2 sister nights and skipped a game night. She just wanted to be alone, but she couldn’t remember why. She didn’t want to remember why.

         At 1 am on day 23, because Alex counted every day, every minute, every second, that she wasn’t with Maggie, she receives a text from Maggie's phone. But it wasn’t Maggie.

**Please come get Maggie from the bar. She’s been here almost every night for a week looking for you, and she’s way too drunk to get home on her own right now. And she needs you Alex. I’d appreciate it.**

**-M’gann**

         Alex stilled. Maggie had been looking for her? Maggie who had completely cut her off without any real forewarning, needed Alex? She was angry, she had been angry for days. But she still felt something warm in her chest when she reread _She needs you Alex._

         Alex was at the bar in twenty minutes. She walked in and her eyes locked in on Maggie who was hunched over the bar, spinning a cup on the edge as she hummed through her lips. One of the things she liked about Maggie was how put together she was when she was drunk.

         When most people drank too much they stumbled and got loud. They knocked over things and could barely form sentences. When Maggie was really drunk she could still shoot 8/10 in the red at the shooting range and beat damn near anyone at darts.

         She still sucked at pool though.

Alex’s heart soared for a moment, when Maggie's eyes met hers and she busted out her dimpled smile when she recognized Alex, and Alex forgot why she was mad. Alex          rushed over to her, making quick eye contact with M’gann who simply nodded and continued serving customers.

         “Hey,” Alex said as she slowed her walk up to Maggie to keep her distance in case Maggie didn’t really want her there. Why should she? Maggie, however, did not keep her distance and pulled Alex into a hug. Maggie didn’t hug very many people, and neither did Alex, but they had gotten comfortable enough to hug each other months ago. Still, Alex froze at first, unsure for a second before relaxing into the embrace.

         “Good to see you Sawyer,” she said as she pulled back and sat in the stool next to Maggie’s. Maggie smiled as she took her seat.

         “Great to see you Danvers,” she said, a smile tugging at her lips. Alex smiled.

         “Really?” Alex whispered in a low voice, so low that she had thought that Maggie wouldn’t have heard it.

         Maggie’s eyes became suddenly clear, the easygoing smile sliding off her face as she looked Alex right in the eye.

         “Always.”

         Alex felt like she was flying. She kept her face neutral as she nodded. Content with her reaction, the smile worked its way back onto Maggie’s face.

         “You know I’ve been wanting to talk to you for days,” Maggie confided to Alex as she began playing with her cup. “I’ve missed you,” she whispered in a slightly lower voice.

         “Well if you missed me that much, you could have called,” Alex said stiffly.

         Maggie's heart panged as her hands went still again. She looked up at Alex.

         “I should have. I should have called. But every time I called you or texted, or even talked about you, Emily…” Maggie's voice tapered off as her eyebrows crinkled.

         Alex bristled. “Emily what?” she whispered, her hands holding on to the drink that M’gann had slid her way too tightly.

         Maggie went silent for a while, as if contemplating something. Alex had seen this before, she had seen Maggie this drunk before and she knew that when she got past the 4 drink mark that she would tell Alex anything. To everyone else she would be the same Maggie, but to Alex, especially like this, she was more open.

         “We argue a lot,” Maggie begins. She looks down at her hands. “Like 3 or 4 times a week. It used to be over stupid things like turning on the dishwasher and folding my blankets. And then it was her being able to be on time with her job, but how I never am with mine. And now…” Maggie pauses for a second to take a breath. “Now almost every arguments about you. Or about me spending time with some other girl. And I don’t know why, I don’t get why she would- and you’re not even…”

_Gay._ The word washed over Alex’s subconscious again, this time flitting right on the edge of her consciousness. But she pushed it back down. She wasn’t- she couldn’t be… no. No. She wasn’t gay.

         Alex sat in silence, rubbing circles into Maggie’s back as she waved for a second beer of her own. Her last one because she would still need to get Maggie home.

         M’gann slid the beer over and Alex took a few deep gulps from it before she set it down, now half empty. She felt Maggie begin to shake beneath her hand and she resumed rubbing circles.

         “She slapped me,” Maggie whispered through her lips.

         Alex’s hand froze. A wave of cold washed over her body. Something beyond anger, something like rage reared its ugly head in her chest, warming her body like fire, uncontrolled and dangerous. Alex’s mind flew to a list of black sites she could take Emily to. Some that she would never, never, come back from.

         Maggie saw all of this, even through her drunken state. She knew Alex too well not to be able to see it. It was an anger she had seen on Alex’s face before, but usually that look was reserved for people who hurt Kara.

         Maggie’s heart swelled, although she was honestly worried about Emily’s safety at that point. She reached out for Alex’s hand, and grabbed it in her own.

         When Alex felt Maggie's hands on hers her thoughts stumbled to a halt. Her anger didn’t exactly dissipate, but it was gone for now. Stored away for later.

         “It’s nice to know you care Danvers,” Maggie laughed out, rubbing circles in Alex’s hands.

         “Always,” Alex whispered without thinking, freezing after the words crossed her lips. She looked over at Maggie who had not seemed to notice her awkward stumble. But Maggie had noticed, she always noticed when it came to Alex. It was just too much to notice right now.

         “You know she was leaving tonight night, going on a business trip,” Maggie began explaining to Alex, still holding her hand. “I had come home like 20 minutes late and I guess she was mad because we were supposed to eat dinner before she left, but now we couldn’t. And she started yelling, and I just… I just didn’t feel like arguing so I ignored her. And then,” Maggie paused as she met Alex’s eyes with her own. “And then she said, ‘I know you were with her, don’t lie to me.’ And I told her I wasn’t, and she just… she just slapped me.” Maggie paused as she remembered.

         “I guess I was just surprised because by the time I came back to myself she was gone.” And Maggie was surprised by the slap. It had brought back memories, and they weren’t good ones. Emily had been about to keep arguing, but at the look on Maggie’s face she wilted back. She almost ran from the apartment with her bags trailing behind her. Maggie stood in place, trying to gather herself, for almost 30 minutes before she remembered how to move.

         A tear slipped from Maggie’s eyes and her lip began to quiver as she looked up at Alex, who knew that it was time to go. She stood with Maggie who was leaning on her, and slapped down more than enough money to cover their tab.

         She hadn’t ridden her bike there and Maggie was too drunk to ride anyway so she hailed a taxi. She slid inside and Maggie fell in with her. She told the driver Maggie's address and he pulled off.

         It only took a few seconds for Alex to realize that Maggie was still holding her hand, and warmth spread from her hand throughout her body. Maggie leaned into her and laid her head onto Alex’s shoulder, snuggling into her side. She was smiling, and she knew she shouldn’t be, but she couldn’t help it.

         The driver looked in the rearview mirror, making eye contact with Alex. “You two make a cute couple,” he said with a smile.

         Alex blushed. “I’m not- I mean we’re not uh, we’re not dating.” She could feel how warm her face was.

         “Hm,” he said still smiling. They drove the rest of the way in silence, Maggie snoring lightly on her shoulder.

         When they pulled up to the apartment, Alex shook Maggie lightly to wake her up. Maggie woke mid-snore and her eyes looked up at Alex. “I wouldn’t mind waking up to this more often,” she said with a weak smile.

         Alex’s heart fluttered even as she said,”you’re drunk, come on.”

         Alex pulled Maggie out of the cab and started dragging her towards her apartment. They walked in and Alex pressed the button for the elevator. They stepped in and Alex pressed 5. The doors closed and Maggie leaned against Alex.

         “I know I’m drunk Alex, but that doesn’t change how I feel,” she whispered in Alex’s ear. Alex swooned at that, gulping as she prepared herself to ask something she had been wondering for months.

         “Why do you let her treat you like this?” Alex asked back sincerely, looking at Maggie. Wanting to know why Maggie, strong, smart, beautiful, brave Maggie, would let herself be treated this way.

         Maggie looked at the ground. “I guess we accept the love we think we deserve Danvers.”

         And Alex wanted to know so badly, more than anything, why Maggie thought she deserved this. In her mind Maggie deserved the best, of everything.

         Alex’s heart was beating out of her chest and her grip on Maggie's hand tightened considerably. The elevator dinged and the doors opened. Maggie was still leaning on Alex as they walked to her apartment. Alex fished Maggie's keys out of her pocket and unlocked her door.

         She pushed the door open and they walked in, Alex flicking on the light as Maggie took off her jacket. Alex grabbed Maggie's hand, “come on Maggie, go get changed.”

         “M’kay,” Maggie said as she shuffled to her bedroom.

         Alex sat in the living room in silence, listening to the sounds of Maggie changing.

         “Alex…”

         Alex stood up and walked to Maggie’s room, only to find her sitting on her bed, looking down at her feet. She had changed out of her jeans and now wore a sweatshirt and basketball shorts. Maggie looked up at her, her eyebrows crinkled, her hair resting in waves around her face.

         Alex felt her heart in her throat, the familiar steadiness of it’s thump speeding up in her ears. _Beautiful,_ her mind repeated without her even noticing.

         “Can you tuck me in?” Maggie asked in a small whisper.

         Alex nodded as she walked up to Maggie who slid beneath the sheets. She pulled the covers up to her neck. Maggie snuggled under the covers, closing her eyes. Alex reached out, unable to stop herself from pushing Maggie's hair back. Maggie sighed into her hand and her breathing evened out. She kept running her hand through Maggie's hair until she was sure she was asleep. Alex stepped back and walked out of the room, shutting off the light behind her.

         She looked around the apartment as thoughts went flying through her head. She dropped the keys on the kitchen table and left, the door locking shut behind her.

         Alex left the building, trotting out onto the sidewalk. Her breathing was heavy and uneven, and her mind was spinning. She walked home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote all of these today, hopefully I can get a few more chapters in :)


	5. Loosing My Cool

         They started texting again. Not as much as before, not nearly as much as before. But it was a start. Emily had come back, and Maggie usually only texted Alex while she was at work. They started meeting every Tuesday to play pool, just like before. And every Tuesday they played from 6 to close. 

         It was a little after 6 when Alex pulled up to the bar, parking right next to Maggie’s bike. She walked in and saw Maggie knock down an 8-ball, and then turn and take a twenty from a large biker with claws who walked away grumbling. She stuffed the money in the back pocket of a pair of jeans that made Alex gulp, before she turned up and noticed Alex.

         Her smile widened, almost showing off her double dimple and Alex walked up to her.

         “I see you got started without me,” Alex said looking down at Maggie. “Trying to get your only win of the night?”

         “Ouch Danvers, you wound me,” Maggie said throwing her hand over her heart. “I’m just warming up,” she finishes with a sly smile.

         But Alex can see that her smile is forced. Alex can see in her eyes that something's wrong, that everything's wrong. Alex can see that Maggie is broken.

         But she knows that Maggie will talk in her own time, so she steps back and takes off her jacket. She grabs the cue sitting on the the table as Maggie starts re-racking.

         “I’ll go first,” Maggie says, looking over her shoulder at Alex as she lines up her shot. Maggie wins the first two games. Alex wins the next six. Maggie's mood drops over time, her forced smiles appearing less and less as real frowns take their place- but Alex knows that it has nothing to do with the game.

         Alex pots the eight ball on game nine and takes Maggie's money with a smirk.

         “I think that’s gonna be it for tonight,” she says, pocketing the money after a quick look at the clock.

         “Oh come on Danvers, you’re not gonna give me a chance to win my money back?” Maggie whined, leaning against her pool cue.

         “With the rate you’re going we’d be here all night. Your girlfriend would have to put out an APB,” she said with a gloating smile.

         Maggie, however, was not smiling as she downed the last of her beer. “Not likely, we broke up,” she said as she grabbed Alex’s empty bottle and began walking to the bar.

         Alex dropped her cue as she ran to follow Maggie.

         “Oh my God, I’m sorry. What happened?” she asked, really wanting to know.

         “She dumped me,” Maggie stated matter-of-factly.

         “She dumped you? Who would do that?” she asked, not thinking about how it sounded, and meaning it more than she realised.

         “She did. Convincingly,” Maggie sighed as she dodged out of the way of an alien couple making out against a wall.

         “Well, maybe it was just a fight,” Alex supplied. Maggie paused as she handed M’gann their empty bottles and took out her wallet.

         “Well, she said I was hard-headed, insensitive, obsessed with work-”

         “Oh that’s not so bad,” Alex cut in.

         “-and also borderline sociopathic and she never wants to see me again. So I’m pretty sure it’s over,” Maggie finished with a sigh as she took a twenty from her wallet and handed it to the bartender.

         “Well,” began Alex, “her loss.” She didn’t know what to say, not really. She was sad, furious really, that Emily had broken up with Maggie. Maggie who was way too good for her, for anyone. And she was kind of relieved because Emily sucked the life out of Maggie. And she was hoping that maybe she would get her Maggie back, pre-Emily Maggie.

         “Look, I appreciate the beer and the pool but I think I’m gonna go drink something a little harder and lose my cool,” Maggie said as she pulled on her jacket.

         “Okay,” Alex said, understanding that Maggie needed space. “Just, feel better.”

         Maggie nodded and turned, walking off. Alex watched her the whole way out.


	6. Push Until You Crumble

         When Maggie got to her apartment, (Her old apartment because the lease hadn’t nearly been up when she moved in with Emily. Her old apartment because Emily made her leave most of her stuff in it when she moved, so it was almost exactly the same) saying she lost her cool would be an understatement.

         She walked in and kicked off her boots, slamming the door behind her as she threw her keys down on the stand next to her door. Her leather jacket came off and she threw it on the back of a chair as she made her way to the kitchen to pour herself a healthy dose of scotch, downing it in just a few gulps.

         Maggie walked across her apartment, turning on the stereo in the corner next to her punching bag. 5 minutes later she was changed into a sports bra and basketball shorts, gloves on, putting in work on that punching bag that would make a professional trainer blush.

         Every hit, every combination, was punctuated with a thought. Anger coursed through her veins and her hits became less focused and more wild. She put everything she had into it, not holding back even an ounce. Her hair fell from the bun she had thrown it up in as she pushed herself, harder, harder- cracking at the edges.

         She was angry because she was never good enough. No matter how hard she tried she was never good enough. Not for her parents, or her girlfriends.

         She kept punching, started kicking, falling into the music. Every muscle in her body burned, her lungs screamed for oxygen. But she kept going, kept pushing. Her will was crumbling beneath her fingers as her arms grew almost too heavy to lift. But she wouldn’t stop, she couldn’t. Because if she stopped moving she would break, and she didn’t know if she had it in her to put herself back together again.

 

 

         “Nothing. It’s just… I think I read you wrong,” Maggie said, crossing her arms as she leaned against her squad car.

         “What do you mean?” Alex asked, her brows knit.

         Maggie's head tilted as she looked up at Alex. “I didn’t know you were into girls.”

         “I- I’m not,” Alex said as her eyes grew wide.

         “Oh, my bad then. Sorry,” Maggie said in quiet but obvious disbelief.

         “No no no, I mean… no offense Maggie bu-”

         “No, I get it, you’re not gay,” she said, finishing Alex’s thought.

         “Right.”

         “You’d be surprised how many gay women I’ve heard that from,” she finished, her words pointed. Normally she wouldn’t be so open, not about this. But she was still mending, still cracked on the edges, still numb.

         Alex laughed, fear coursing through her veins. Her heart was pumping so hard she was sure that Maggie could see it.

         “I’m sorry, I just thought you were angling towards something,” Maggie said. Because a part of her, a small part of her that wasn’t still frozen over, had detected… something.

         “No I wasn’t, I was just trying to…” Alex’s words tapered off as she looked at Maggie. “I’ll let you know when we make some progress,” she finished weakly as she walked off. Maggie let her go.

  


         Alex was panicking. She paced her apartment in long strides, drinking beer because she had finished all the hard stuff.

_I didn’t know you were into girls._

         Her heartbeat was so high all afternoon that Kara had called to make sure she was alright twice. She lied and said she was fine- but she was far from it.

_Gay._

         She was teetering on the edge, the pain in her chest becoming almost unbearable. Her breaths started coming in long gasps, and it was too much. It was all too much.

         She sat on her couch, curled up in a ball, as she rocked back and forth. She heard a knock on her door and panic seized her body. She couldn’t open the door right now, not when it might be Maggie on the other side. Because Maggie would know, Maggie always knew when it came to Alex.

         The knocking stopped after a while, but Alex grew no less tense. She heard something; a gust of wind, a window, footsteps. And then in her living room stood Kara Danvers.

         She looked at Alex over her glasses. She had known that something was wrong, just like Alex knew she couldn’t really hide anything from her little sister.

         Kara took in the sight in front of her. Alex broken, her eyes searching Kara for something that she didn’t recognize. Kara walked forward and sat on the couch, pulling her sister into her arms. And Alex broke.

         Tears cascaded down her face as her body was wracked with sobs. The pain in her chest increased, the pressure multiplying even as she curled into Kara. Kara who had only ever seen Alex cry a handful of times.

         Alex’s mind was whirling, as she remembered… everything. Everything her mind had pushed down.

         Her first real kiss had been a girl. Sara Langley. Alex had been 11. But she had brushed it off as something girls do when they’re young.

         She had never really liked… intimacy. Not with guys. No hand holding or kissing or cuddling. Hell, she had to be blackout drunk just to go to third base.

         She had just thought that intimacy just wasn’t her thing. She had heard of women who just weren’t into it. She had thought that she just wasn’t into it. She hadn’t tried to have sex once in the last three years.

         But then something was there, something she barely remembered. Something she had wanted to forget. Something that the voice inside her head wouldn’t stop whispering.

_What about Vicky?_

         Vicky Donahue had been Alex’s best friend for eight years. Their friendship ended when Alex was seventeen.

         She remembered why they had fought that time, she had been the one to pick the fight. Because Vicky had been dating a guy that she didn’t like, a guy that she hated. She thought that he was bad for her, and she let him and Vicky know it. When she wouldn’t stop with the comments and the dirty looks, Vicky yelled at her. And when Alex punched him in the face for slapping Vicky’s ass in the hallway, Vicky ended it.

         She barely remembered, had almost refused to remember, that only a few weeks before she and Vicky had gone to a New Years party. They had gotten drunk together, for the first time. And Vicky had kissed her when the clock hit 12.

         And the next day, Vicky didn’t remember any of it.

         It had torn her up that Vicky didn’t remember, that her kiss wasn’t worth remembering. But she had pretended that everything was fine because she was too scared to bring it up. Because she couldn’t be, she wasn’t… _gay._ So it shouldn’t have mattered to her.

         At least she had thought she wasn’t. To be honest the idea hadn’t ever really had time to settle in her mind. She barely had enough time to breathe, let alone worry about why she didn’t have a love life. Or why she didn’t want one.

         With men.

         Then she remembered something else, something smaller. Something that was the tiniest blip on the radar. Her senior year college bio professor, Jessy Martinez.

         She remembered one event in particular, one day when she was helping the professor tutor her sophomores in chemistry. When they tutored on Fridays it was usually for a few hours, but that day it was only for one because Martinez had a black tie event she had to go to after. A black tie event that she was already dressed for in a very short, very sexy red dress.

         She was helping a student in front of them with some type of catalyst reaction, just like Alex was doing with a boy ate her table, when Alex had accidentally mixed two of the wrong beakers and caused a spontaneous reaction at her table.

         It wasn’t too bad, there was a large puff of smoke and bubbles started running off of the table and onto the floor, but Alex had been mortified.

         Martinez said it was okay, she had made that mistake because they were pressed for time and that she understood why Alex might have made a mistake, that she was probably distracted because she was helping so many people at once. But that wasn’t why Alex was distracted.

         Alex had been distracted because moments before her slip-up, Jessy had bent over to search for an extra beaker in the compartment below her lab table.. And when she bent over Alex caught a full glimpse of everything she was wearing, or really, everything she wasn’t wearing, underneath her dress.

         Alex stopped crying as the realization hit her like a bus. She was gay.

         Damn.


	7. I Wonder What it's Like to be Good Enough

         “I heard what happened, you okay?” Alex asked Maggie as she walked up to her. She had just downed what looked to be the second of three shots before she turned to greet Alex.

         “I’ve seen some crazy stuff since I’ve joined the science force. But that was-”

         “Yeah,” Alex finished for her, nodding in understanding as she took a seat across from Maggie.

         “What are you doing here?” Maggie asked, honestly surprised to see Alex after what she had said.

         “I was worried about you,” Alex said in all honesty.

         “Look,” Maggie began, “I’m sorry if I was too forward the other day. That wasn’t my place.”

         Alex took a breath. “My whole life has been about being perfect. Perfect grades, perfect job, perfect sister- taking care of Kara. But the one part of my life that I was never able to make perfect, was dating. I just never really liked it.” She was getting nervous again, stuttering as she tried to open up to Maggie. Maggie who she trusted more than almost anyone.

         “I- I don’t know, I mean I tried. You know… I got asked out. I just, I never liked…” she was cutting so close, so close to the truth it hurt to say it. She took another breath.

         “Being intimate,” she forced out, in a loud whisper. “I just, I don’t know. I just thought maybe that was just the way I was built, you know? Just not my thing,” she laughed out with an embarrassed nod.

         “I never thought that it was because of the other…” she couldn’t say it. Not yet. She could say it in her head, but saying it out loud? That made it real. Too real. And she wasn’t ready.

         “I mean, I don’t know. It’s just now I can stop thinking about…”

         “About what,” Maggie asked, pushing her. Maggie would always push her.

         “That maybe there’s some truth to what you said…”

         “About?” Maggie asked, her eyes never leaving Alex’s.

         “About what you said… about me,” she finished, still nodding her head, wrapping it around this idea that she had avoided for twenty-eight years. Maggie gave her a smirk, one that had originally made the fire that burned inside her rise. But now, now that smile made her stomach flip in ways she couldn’t explain.

         “I have to go,” Alex said, all of it becoming too much for her right now. She nodded one more time as she walked off. Maggie watched her go with steady eyes as she downed her last shot.

  
  


         It took a week for Alex to tell Kara what she had finally admitted to be a part of her life. It took a week, a promise of drinks after she told Kara from Maggie, and Maggie words of “It’s real. You’re real. And you deserve to have a real, full, happy life.”

         And those words played over and over again in Alex’s head. They rang true in her mind. They got her to actually say the words, “I am gay,” in the mirror that morning. And they gave her the strength to tell Kara. Kara who smiled with an accepting nod. Kara who pulled her in for a hug when she almost cried with relief. Kara who apologized for taking up so much of Alex’s life that she couldn’t focus on herself.

         And Alex was relieved, more than she could ever say with words. A weight had been taken off her shoulder that she hadn’t even known was there- and all she felt was indescribable relief. Almost peace.

         When she told Maggie, Maggie was beyond surprised. She had never met a baby-gay that had figured it out, and come out, so quickly. But this was Alex. And yet even so, when Alex pulled her in and kissed her, she pulled away. Not because she wanted to, because God knows she didn’t want to pull away. But because “We’re at really different places.. And everything is changing for you, and everything's gonna feel really heightened and shiny. And you should experience that for yourself. Not just to be with me.” What she was trying to say was  _ Because these things never work out. Because I care for you more than I can handle. Because I can’t take being hurt again, not right now. Because you deserve someone better than me. Because you deserve someone that isn’t broken, someone that doesn’t destroy everything she touches. _

         But Alex heard  _ I don’t feel that way about you. Because you’re not enough. You’re never enough. _

         So Alex left, because here she was again- not perfect, not enough. She was humiliated. And Maggie let her go because she wasn’t good enough. She would never be good enough. Especially not for Alex.


	8. Is it Real Without You?

_          Knock knock knock. _

“Alex.” Kara said, continuing to knock on the door. “Alex, I can see you in there. Let me in, please.”

“Kara go away,” Alex sighed as she took another sip of her whiskey.

_          Whhoooosh. _

Kara landed in Alex’s apartment. “What’s going on?” she asked, looking down at her sister.

“Nothing,” Alex said, placing her drink on the table. “Nothing is going on. You shouldn’t have come over here,” she finished, her voice cracking.

“Well you didn’t show up for work and that’s not like you, so I got worried and I-”

“You’re right. You’re right, I should go in,” Alex stated, standing up from her spot on the couch.

“Wait. Wait,” Kara insisted. “Something is clearly wrong.”

“Everything is fine.”

“Is this about you coming out?”

“No. And just… forget I said anything about it. Okay. Forget it.”

“Why? What does that mean?”

“It means I made a mistake!!!” Alex said, her voice rising rapidly. “I shouldn’t have said anything, I shoulda just kept my mouth shut!!!” Alex was pacing now, her hands running through her hair as the feelings that she had been hiding in a bottle began rising to the surface.

“What happened,” Kaa asked softly.

“She doesn’t like me, like that.” Alex took a shaky breath as her voice cracked and her eyes teared up. Kara sighed as Alex sat back on the couch.

“Come here,” Kara said, wrappin Alex in her warm embrace.

“...so humiliating,” Alex sobbed into her shoulder, no longer strong enough to keep the tears from falling.

“I’m proud of you,” Kara said truthfully, clutching onto Alex, holding her together as she fell apart.

 

Alex had been avoiding Maggie. She couldn’t handle being around her, being around this beautiful, amazing, giving woman that had shot her down so mercilessly. Every time she thought about Maggie it was like she got punched in the gut. But she couldn’t stop herself, no matter how hard she tried. Everything reminded her of Maggie, from walking in the park and seeing her favorite vegan ice cream truck, to seeing her favorite constellation in the sky at night, and even her own black leather jacket that she couldn't bear to wear anymore.

Maggie knew Alex was avoiding her. It destroyed her to think, to know, that she had done this- broken Alex in the way she had. She was avoiding Alex too at first, going out of her way to make sure that she wasn’t apart of any NCPD science cases where they partnered with the DEO. Going to a different coffee shop. Only going to the bar when she was sure that Alex wasn’t going to be there. And that’s where she was now, realizing what she had done.

She had broken Alex, she had seen it in her eyes, and that weighed on her shoulders more than anything else ever had. Strong, brave, beautiful Alex. Alex who stood by her no matter what. Alex who she could call at any time for anything and there were no harsh words or judgements made. Alex who had the weight of the world on her shoulders, and carried it unwavering, unflinching. Alex who never backed down from a fight.

Alex with her beautiful crooked smiles, and her adorable snorts, and her corny science jokes. Alex who secretly loved Harry Potter, and hated pineapple on pizza, and was always in the mood to go for a ride. Alex who was too smart, too funny, too good... for Maggie.

Alex who she was in love with.

  
  


They talked, finally, after Maggie found her in the bar one night and drew the courage to talk to her. To make sure that she, that they, were alright. She felt time freeze when she asked if they were still friends, bile rising in her throat as Alex paused, relief flowing through her veins when Alex said  _ of course _ .

  
  


Maggie was kneeling over a body the next time she actually saw Alex, pantsuit and all, strutting over to the crime scene. Kind of like the first time they met. But this time there was no banter, just talk about the case.

“I need you to stay away from guardian,” Alex said, crossing her arms as they walked below an underpass.

“Come on Alex you gotta give me more than that.”

“I can’t, it’s classified,” Alex said callously. She wasn’t lying, but she could have told Maggie if she wanted to. It’s just, she didn’t want to.

“Oh come on Alex, we’re friends,” Maggie said, before she remembered.

Alex stopped walking, and Maggie stuttered to a halt.

“No, Maggie. We’re not friends,” Alex stated simply.

The words hit Maggie in the chest, hard. She was shocked because this was Alex,  _ Alex, _ her best friend and she didn’t understand.

“Oh, okay. Um, I’m lost. What happened?”

“We hung out. We got close. Then you called me out for liking you, and I had the guts to admit that yes, it’s true. And you told me that my feelings were real and that I deserved to be happy, and so I thought you meant that I deserved to be happy with you.”

“Alex I-”

“No, I’m not done,” she continued, her pain breaking through in her voice. “Because then you convinced me to come out to my sister and I did. Because I was sure of one thing, and that was my feelings for you. Initially I was terrified, but ultimately I was proud to come out. Because it wasn’t just some concept. It was about my feelings for this amazing woman. But now? I don’t feel liberated, or like I’m on some great journey. All I feel is pain, because you don’t want me.”

“Alex, that’s not why I-”

“You know what, save it. Okay? That’s not what’s important right now. What’s important is that you back off guardian,” Alex finished and then she walked off.


	9. Making My Love Proud

_I don’t meet many people that I care about. And I care about you, a lot. And… I hope that someday you and I can be friends. Because I don’t want to imagine my life without you in it._

That’s what Maggie had said to her yesterday. Yesterday, right before she had told Maggie that she would meet her for pool. And that thought had been on her mind since she woke up at 6am, all the way through her morning jog, work, and right up to now as she walked into the bar.

When Alex laid eyes on Maggie, sitting at the bar in her usual all black ensemble with 2 beers, the air left her lungs. It was like Maggie had turned her down all over again, and her chest ached like it had been bashed in. But she pretended that it didn’t hurt, because Maggie was her friend, because she needed to have Maggie in her life. She steeled herself and walked right up to where the detective sat.

When Maggie saw Alex her heart stopped. Her Alex, her beautiful Alex, walking up to her with so much swagger and confidence to hide the pain that Maggie could still see behind her eyes. It killed Maggie to know that she was the cause of that pain, and it hurt even more to know that she would never be able to tell Alex how she truly felt. But she would rather have her heart break everyday and be friends with Alex than not have Alex in her life at all.

And so she slid her the second beer. They talked, mostly about work and their day, before moving on to play pool. They were pretty close to tied at the end, Alex’s heart not really being in the game at first. Neither was her mind though, as she watched Maggie bend over the pool table to take her shot. Or when Maggie smirked after she made a particularly difficult shot. Or even the way Maggie’s face relaxed with a small smile when the jukebox played a song she liked.

That’s not to say Maggie wasn’t distracted too. Because she was. The jeans Alex wore had been distracting her all night, and when Alex had to bend far over the pool table for one of her shots, Maggie’s mind thought of other ways she could get Alex to bend over. She immediately brought her eyes back up to Alex’s, which were looking back at her with confidence after another made shot.

She got lost for a second, in the peace that washed over her when they made eye contact. It was unnerving, and she was pulled out of it as Alex moved to take another shot.

God, Alex was so beautiful.

 

It had been a month since that game. A month of pool games and shared cases and late nights eating Thai food. A month of friendship, real friendship like before. And it had been a month of something more. A month of blushing over the pool table, and innocent soft touches, and accidently getting lost in each other’s eyes, and terrible, terrible longing.

 

Maggie walked into the DEO, lunch for her and Alex in her hands because they had been working on an important case and Alex kept forgetting to eat, when she noticed tension in the air of the DEO. There were no alarms blaring, but interns were running around and morale was low and she could feel the heaviness weighing in the air. Clearly something was going on.

 

She kept walking, dodging out of the way of the interns as she made her way to the heart of the DEO, where the missions were planned, the big decisions made, and where she assumed Alex would be.

She walked up to the director who was reading over something on one of the screens.

“Sorry to bother you sir, you guys look super slammed, but I was wondering where Alex was and maybe I could help,” she said, a worried crinkle forming between her eyes.

He looked up at her and her heart stopped. Because his eyes were broken.

“She’s been captured,” was all he said, his pain ringing clearly in his voice.

Maggie dropped her bag as ice filled her veins. _Alex._

 

 

Maggie learned over the next few days hat Alex had gone on a mission with Supergirl into a Cadmus compound. It was supposed to be a simple raid, in and out. But then the shooting started, and the comms went out, and only Supergirl came back.

Maggie quickly became obsessed. Every day from 5am to well past midnight she worked with the DEO, pouring over case files, retracing crime scenes, and following up on leads. She forgot to eat, she barely slept, and she pushed herself beyond her physical limits. Every day.

She had been given special permission from her Lieutenant to work on this case, not that she needed his permission. Had he said no to the DEO’s request, which he almost did, she would have quit without hesitation.

The amount of people she threatened on a daily basis quadrupled, and the amount that she actually physically attacked was a number way higher than she felt was socially acceptable even by DEO standards. She would have made Alex proud.

_Alex._

Alex with whom she was completely obsessed with finding. Because when Alex was taken, when she found out Alex was taken, it was like someone had carved her heart from her chest and stomped it into the asphalt.

There was a seemingly never-ending pain in her chest, in her throat, in her veins. Her mind only focused on Alex, on finding Alex. On finally, finally, telling Alex how she felt because all of this was too much. This not knowing if she would ever see Alex again. Or if she would ever see her alive again. And knowing that she needed to tell Alex how she feels, how she really feels. Because Alex not knowing, and possibly never being able to tell her, was almost worse than never being able to see her again.


	10. You Are My Focus

         To Alex the worst part about being kidnapped was usually the waiting. 

         Kidnappers used waiting as a scare tactic, so the mind of their captors would wander to all of the possible things that they planned to do to them. But that wasn’t why she hated waiting.

         She hated it because in all honesty, she got bored.

         Sitting on the floor, tied up for a day or two usually in complete darkness or blindfolded? It wasn’t like she could go anywhere, or even walk usually. It was boring to her. So she usually distracted herself with chemical formulas and plans for new weapons, her mind focusing on lab work and thinking of new ideas. After all, it seemed like the only time she had a moment to think were the few times she had been kidnapped.

         But this time her mind hadn’t been focused on science. This time her mind was focused on Maggie. 3 days of being in a cell and the only thing she could think about was Maggie’s smile, and her dimples, and the little creases that would form around her eyes.

         Her mind revolved around the timber of Maggie's voice, and how the sound would wash over her body and make her feel so at ease. She thought about the way Maggie would bite her lip as her eyebrows crinkled when she was reading a case file. And the way the sunlight made her normally dark brown eyes sparkle almost hazel, with streaks of green instead of black. And her heart ached at the fact that she might never see Maggie again. She might never get to see her smile, or get lost in her laugh, or fall in her eyes ever again.

  
  


         After 3 days of making Alex wait her kidnappers dragged her from her room by her feet. They asked her about the DEO and she feigned ignorance, so they tortured her for hours.

         She’d been tortured before, many times. But this, this was different.

         She usually focused on Kara when she was being tortured, on her duty to her sister and to the DEO. She was taught, in training so many years ago, that you always needed to focus on something when you’re being tortured, it helps to distract you. Most people focused on things, on people, that they loved. And she focused on duty, on morality. But now, now all she could think about was Maggie. And something about picturing Maggie’s smile, about replaying her voice over and over again in her head helped the pain to not hurt so much. It worked better than her need to stay loyal to her country ever had.

         Alex knew if she ever got back to the DEO and saw Maggie again she was fucked. After this, after Maggie being her focus, there was no way she would be able to pretend around her anymore.

         By the time they dragged her back to her room, hours later, she was barely able to sit up. She took stock of her body, at least two broken ribs, maybe 3, dislocated shoulder, fractured pelvis, and something was up with her collar bone but she wasn’t 100% sure what it was. She coughed, spitting out blood that came with it.

         It was going to be a long few days.


	11. Chapter 11

         It was actually another week before the DEO found Alex. A week of being beaten every day, tortured every day. A week before one of Maggie’s leads panned out and she led a strikeforce into a warehouse 5 hours outside of the city to an underground warehouse.

         She stormed in, guns blazing, shooting everything that moved. There was a fury behind her movements, a rage behind every shot, every punch, every takedown. Vazquez would later say that it actually reminded her a lot of the way Alex was in the field: focused, determined rage.

         By the time they reached the third underground level of the complex, nothing but the strikeforce was moving. Maggie’s team split in two, and she led them deeper underground. She kept going, until she saw a pale light being emitted from what looked to be a large room down a hall.

         She followed the light and her team, which was really Alex’s team, followed close on her heels as she led them to the room. The room which happened to be filled with bulletproof glass cells.

         When she saw the cells her heart began racing, and she ran forward quicker than she should have to begin searching them. Her eyes scanned through the glass, taking in everything, searching for any hint of movement, when she spotted a figure lying on the ground in the cell on the very end.

         Maggie ran down the line of cells, not caring if she set off any boobytraps or alarms. Because that figure, lying on the ground, had Alex’s red-brown hair.

         She skidded to a halt in front of the cell, and promptly blew the hinges off with a space gun that she had borrowed from Alex’s office. She heard a groan from the ground and she pushed the door to the side, running in to kneel next to Alex.

         When she turned over, Maggie’s heart stopped.

         Her face was swollen almost beyond recognition, with blood barely dried on her face. Her breathing was ragged, and her lips were cracked. Maggie's heart ached more than she thought was possible.

         Alex’s eyes opened, very slowly. At first they were glazed over, but they cleared as they searched around her, focusing on the figure right in front of her.

         On  _ Maggie _ .

         She smiled for the first time in 9 days, and it hurt, dear god it hurt, but seeing Maggie was worth it. She sighed as Maggie lifted her head up and pulled her into a gentle hug, waiting until the medic came downstairs.

         Alex warmed at Maggie's touch, laying her head on Maggie's chest as they waited in silence.

         “Is that my space gun Sawyer?” she asked with the smile still on her face.

         “I may have borrowed it,” Maggie smiled back, knowing that if Alex could complain about her space gun being commandeered then she would be okay.

         “Uhuh. And you’re going to return it?”

         “Yes Alex, I will give you your space gun back.”

         Alex sighed again, content that everything was right. Until…

         “But I’m totally keeping the flash grenades.”

         “Grenades?!?!?”


	12. Stay Here With Me

         By the time the building was cleared and they got back to the DEO Alex had passed out and wouldn’t wake back up. They had promptly taken her into surgery, leaving a panicked Maggie outside. No one would tell her anything, and after 30 minutes all she could do was pace outside the OR while running her hand over Alex’s gun on her hip.

         An hour in Maggie watched as two more surgeons entered the OR, and started panicking after she caught a glimpse of Alex on the table, red lights flashing and monitors going off around her. She started hyperventilating, the panic and fear becoming too much for her to handle. She sat on the floor, unable to face the door that Alex was dying behind. She put her forehead on the wall, the white tile cooling her forehead.

         She felt a hand on her back and looked up, and there stood Supergirl.

         “Maggie,” she whispered in all her heroic glory, her voice cracking, pain evident in her icy blue eyes. There was a crinkle that had formed on her forehead, and unshed tears in her eyes.

         Supergirl tapped her on the shoulder, indicating that she should follow. Maggie stood and walked behind her, memorizing her way through the many twists and turns of the DEO. They walked into a dark room, and Supergirl hit the lights. A buzzing sound started and the lights flickered on, revealing an octagonal shaped room with a flat ring near the back, a large weight area on the left, and a lone punching bag on the right.

         Maggie walked right over to the bag, pulling off her leather jacket. Supergirl sped over to her, holding out a pair of gloves. Maggie was almost surprised that Supergirl had even cared, as she had been about to lay into the bag without even pausing. She took the gloves, not bothering to wrap her hands before she put them on. Supergirl walked over to the other side of the bag, placing her hands on the cold leather.

         Maggie began throwing punches, keeping her breathing even as she began. She followed through on every hit, not bothering to hold back. She put her whole body into it as sweat began to form on her brow. She could feel her breathing quicken as her hits became harder, rougher, losing her form as she finally felt her thoughts start to free from her subconsciousness.

         Supergirl watched as Maggie started to fall apart in front of her, as tears began falling from her eyelids, as her body started to shake between every punch. She watched as Maggie wore out her entire body, losing power behind her punches.

         Maggie’s pain was beyond intense. She was falling apart, and finally just gave up on her punches, instead grabbing Supergirl and pulling her into a hug. Supergirl didn’t pause, didn’t hesitate, before wrapping her arms around Maggie and pulling her in closer. Sobs wracked her body and she broke down, gripping Supergirl’s cape as she cried in silence.

         It didn’t take her long to cry herself out, she wasn’t really the crying type. She got her emotions in check as quickly as she could and shoved them back into a box. She took a shaky breath and stepped back, wiping below her eyes with her gloved hands.

         Supergirl looked at her with a confused smile, she had never seen anyone but Alex break down and put themselves back together again so quickly. Maggie began unwrapping her gloves, focusing on the simplicity of the task until she could finally finish putting her thoughts away.

         She looked up at the blue eyes that were watching her every move.

         “Thank you, Kara.”

         The crinkle reformed at her statement, but Kara didn’t deny what Maggie had said, instead asking, “How did you know?”

         “Honestly,” Maggie smiled as she began, “It’s the way Alex acts around you. It’s the way her voice changes, and how protective she is over someone who she knows is bulletproof. Plus the glasses don’t help,” Maggie said as she took a seat on the bench.

         “It’s only because you know me.”

         “Probably. Plus it was the way you’ve been acting since-,”

         “Since you broke my sister’s heart you mean?” Kara said as she sat on the bench next to Maggie, who grimaced at the statement.

         “I know you didn’t mean to hurt her Maggie.”

         “How?”

         “I didn’t at first. I thought that you had just been leading her on. She honestly had to convince me not to throw you into space,” Kara joked elbowing Maggie.

         “So yeah, I was pretty mad. But then, I don’t know. I looked at you, really payed attention. It’s just, the way you look at my sister? No one looks at someone like that and means them harm. No one looks at someone like that and doesn’t care. I know you care Maggie.”

         Maggie looked over at Kara who had been staring at her the whole time. “I do care, Kara. I care more than I… more than I thought I could.”

         Kara grabbed Maggie's hand and they leaned into each other, both gaining some reassurance from each others presence.

         They door to the training room swung open, and J’onn walked in. They two women looked up at him, finding relief in the smile he wore as he came over to them.

         “Her surgeries went well, but she’s going to be asleep for awhile. You can visit her now,” he said to the women who had already stood and began making their way back to her room.

         Maggie stepped back and allowed Kara to enter first. She came out a few minutes later with a thin smile on her face.

         “She’s probably not going to be awake for a while and I have to get some sleep for work tomorrow. You’ll stay with her?”

         “Of course,” Maggie breathed out, a nervous flutter in her chest. Kara nodded and walked out. Maggie stood in front of the door biting her lip.

         She finally gathered her courage and pushed the door open, allowing it to close behind her as she took in Alex’s form on the table. She was hooked up to 8 tubes and was breathing through a mask. She looked gaunt in the pale light of the dark room, with cuts and bruises all over her face and arms. Maggie walked over and slid her hand onto Alex’s, worrying at how cold her fingers felt.

         “You better not die on me Alex,” she whispered as she ran her fingers through Alex’s hair. “I did not just confess my feelings for you to your sister for you to die before I tell you myself, so your ass better stay right here with me.”

         Eventually she stopped her ministrations on Alex’s head to pull a chair forward, only to sit and resume what she had been doing.

         She began telling Alex about her day, about the lead that she had found at 3am to her reaction when she got to see the prep room for the strike team. She told Alex everything, every movement she made, every thought she had, everything she noticed throughout the day.

         It was a long night.


	13. So You're Saying You Like Me?

          The first thing Alex noticed was the pain. It didn’t scare her, if anything it comforted her. It let her know that she was alive.

          The second thing Alex noticed was pressure on her left arm. Her eyes cracked open and she groaned at the light coming from the open window that was also to her left. She looked down and all she could feel was joy.

_           Maggie _ .

          It was Maggie to her left, holding her hand, her head lying on Alex’s arm. She was asleep now, her face at peace, dried tears on her cheeks. She was beautiful. God she was so beautiful. Alex lifted her right arm, which she had just noticed had a cast on it, and lifted the mask from her face, knowing that if she really needed help breathing there would have been a tube down her throat. She placed it to the side, and her eyes focused on Maggie. It was almost like she wasn’t in control of her arm, which reached out of its own volition and pushed Maggie's hair back.

          Maggie’s eyes opened and her eyes went right to Alex’s. Brown eyes met and Maggie felt the familiar nervous flutter in her stomach that she had gotten used to getting around Alex.

          “Maggie,” Alex croaked out as she began to sit up.

          “Oh no you don’t Danvers,” Maggie said as she put her hand on Alex’s shoulder to keep her in place. “You are staying right there until the doctor discharges you.”

          “And here I didn’t think you cared,” Alex joked, her voice still rough. Maggie winced.

          “I do care,” she said, her voice low. “I just…” she trailed off. There was so much that she wanted to say to Alex, and now that she was here the fear of being rejected was growing again. She stood up, pushing her chair back as she began to pace.

          “Here’s the thing… you almost died-”

          “Yeah, I wouldn’t let you get rid of me that easy,” Alex smiled.

          “I know that, but um… it got me thinking. I, I was so stupid. I thought that, and I guess I was kinda right, that you came out for me. And that scared me,” she said honestly as she came to a stop in front of Alex’s bed, unable to break eye contact as she continued.

          “But… life is too short. And we should be who we are. And we should kiss the girls we want to kiss. And I really just, I want to kiss you. I just…” she trailed off as she grabbed Alex’s face with her hands. She lightly ran the pads of her thumbs on Alex’s cheeks before swooping down and brushing their lips together.

          She had only meant it to be a quick, chaste kiss, meant to get her point across, but it deepened quickly as Alex pulled her down. Maggie's hands flew up and one tangling in Alex’s hair and the other brushing her side as she drew in closer. She held back a whine as Alex’s tongue ran against her bottom lip. They pulled apart after what felt like only a few seconds, and Alex’s face was one of contentment.

          “So you’re saying you like me?” she asked pointing between them. “Cause that’s what I got.”

          “Of course. You’re not gonna go crazy on me are you?”

          “Probably yeah,” Alex smiled as she pushed Maggie's hair back before pulling her in for another kiss. The door opened and a squeal echoed through the room. Alex and Maggie broke apart, and standing in the doorway was a very excited Kara Danvers. She was literally jumping with joy as she pulled Maggie into a hug, and promising that she wouldn’t tell anyone they were dating until they were ready, leaving soon after to get to Catco.

          A doctor came in a few minutes later, followed closely by J’onn, Winn, and James, and Alex and Maggie’s hands quickly drifted apart. An air of seriousness settled in the room as the doctor went into detail about Alex’s injuries, some of which were pretty severe. She argued her health, naturally, and he agreed to release her after a night of observation with the promise that she wouldn’t return to active duty for at least five weeks.

          Almost everyone left soon after, and Alex insisted on Maggie telling her every detail about how Maggie had found her. She weaned for every detail of the case, from the time that a breakthrough happened to exactly how Maggie smashed a man's head through a table.

          Maggie indulged her for hours, talking and laughing with her through every moment of the past week. But Alex didn’t talk about what happened to her, insisting that she was fine, and that she would be fine. Insisting that Maggie continue her stories.

          It was late, and it took almost an hour of arguing for Maggie to convince Alex to get some sleep. She could see the toll that Alex’s body had taken over the past week. Alex said she would but only if Maggie stayed, and Maggie promised she wouldn’t go anywhere. Alex was asleep within minutes.


	14. Hold Me Tight

         Alex woke with a start at 1am. Tears streamed down her face as she shook with fear from the memories of her dream. Memories of her torture. She looked over to where Maggie had been sleeping, hoping that she hadn’t woken her, when she saw the chair empty.

         She felt her chest collapse in on itself as her fear took over, and she gasped for air, for oxygen in her lungs, but it wouldn’t come. Her heart monitor sped up and began beeping but she couldn’t catch her breath, couldn’t calm down. Fear took over her mind and it spun out of control.

_          She left. Of course she left. She probably saw you having a nightmare and saw how weak you are, crying in your sleep. She knows that you are weak, that you’re worthless, that you- _

         “Oh Alex,” she heard gasped from behind her, and she looked over to see Maggie with something in her hands. Maggie rushed over, placing it on the table before leaning over her.

         “Calm down Alex,” she whispered soothingly, her hand hovering over Alex’s chest, asking for permission to touch her. Alex gave it with her eyes, and Maggie placed her hand over Alex’s chest.

         “Breathe into my hand Alex. There you go,” she whispered, keeping the hand on Alex’s chest steady as she rubbed circle’s into her back with the other. Alex’s heart rate began to slow down, the red lights finally going off as she remembered how to breath.

         She was still shaking though, and Maggie pulled her into a hug, still rubbing her back.

         “It’s okay Alex. I’ve got you. I’ve got you,” she whispered, her voice strong and unwavering.

         Alex relaxed in her hold, and Maggie laid her back onto the bed. She looked up at Maggie with soft eyes, still afraid.

         “What happened?” Maggie asked, her voice still soft, still worried.

         “I was having a nightmare, and I woke up,” Alex started, looking down at her hands in embarrassment. “And when I looked around you weren’t here and I just… I panicked,” she finished weakly, almost breaking into tears as she refused to look up at Maggie. At Maggie who probably thought she was weak for almost breaking at something like this.

         Maggie’s arms were wrapped back around Alex in an instant. Alex’s tears spilled over and she sobbed into Maggie's shoulder. Maggie sat on the bed and held Alex as tight as she dared.

         “I’m not going anywhere Alex. I promise, I’m not going anywhere.”

         Alex couldn’t stop crying, and she clutched Maggie’s shirt as if she were afraid she was going to get ripped away from her grasp. Maggie held her tight, held her strong, held her perfect.

         Eventually Alex’s sobbing stopped and her tears ran out. Maggie pulled away from Alex to look her in the eye.

         “You are not weak for this Alex,” she said, pulling Alex’s face back up to hers when she looked away in disbelief. “You aren’t. You are the strongest person I know, and crying doesn’t make you weak. Remembering doesn’t make you weak. I’ve got you, Alex. I’ve got you.”

         Alex nodded into her hand, staring into Maggie’s beautiful, unwavering eyes. Maggie turned and reached over to the table to grab what she had put down. A cold washcloth, one of the ones they kept in the med bay freezer.

         “I saw you sweating in your sleep so I hoped this would help,” she said as explanation as she patted down Alex’s forehead and chest. Alex sighed in thanks, leaning back into her bed as she enjoyed Maggie’s ministrations. Maggie finished soon, and began to move to stand up, but Alex’s arm shot out and grabbed onto hers.

         “Stay,” she asked, her voice small and shy. Maggie didn’t think it was a good idea, but she couldn’t say no to the look on Alex’s face. Alex moved over and Maggie slid onto the bed next to her slowly. She wrapped her arms around Alex, who relaxed into her touch.

         She had never felt anything more natural in her life than laying with Alex. Her breaths evened out and she fell asleep minutes after Alex had. And they both slept with no nightmares.


	15. Exceptional

         Alex was released from the med-bay at exactly 1:43 pm. She refused help at first, insisting that she could get home on her own, until Maggie gave her a look that said it wasn’t up for debate. It was 30 minutes later that they entered Alex’s apartment, Alex leaning heavily on Maggie as they walked to the couch. Maggie let her sit down, and then ran to the kitchen to make coffee. Alex stared at her over the back of her couch, eyes wide as she watched the smoothness Maggie displayed as she moved through her kitchen, opening and closing cabinets with such assuredness.

         It was minutes later when Maggie walked over, 2 steaming cups of coffee in hand, looking down at Alex with a softness that Maggie hadn’t ever been used to giving anyone, nor Alex been used to receiving. Alex took the mug in silence as Maggie took a seat next to her, their legs brushing as they settled in. Maggie started a movie that she and Alex had been meaning to see for a while, Gladiator, and they both leaned back to watch.

         However, something was weighing on Alex’s mind.

         “Hey Maggie?” she implored a few minutes in.

         “Yes Alex?” Maggie replied, hearing the tone of Alex’s voice and deciding to pause the movie.

         “You… you mean this right?” she asked, her voice wavering as her fear caught up with her. “I mean, you didn’t just kiss me, just say what you did, because I almost died? Or because you missed me? Or-”

         “I mean it,” Maggie cut in. She grabbed Alex’s coffee and put it on the table next to hers as she grabbed her hands. She turned on the couch, legs crossed as she fully faced Alex.

         “I mean it. Would I have said anything if you hadn’t been kidnapped, if you hadn’t been taken? I don’t know. But you being taken didn’t scare me into saying something I didn’t mean.”

         Alex looked down in disbelief, and Maggie’s hand reached for her face, lifting her chin up as her voice softened. “All it did was make me realize that these feelings that I have for you are far too important for me not to tell you just because I’m afraid. It made me realize that you deserve to know that what you feel for me, I feel for you. I like you, Alex. More than I thought I was capable. I’m not going anywhere as long as you’ll have me,” she finished quietly, realizing that she may of said too much, that she may have been too much, but meaning every word.

         “Why were you afraid Maggie?” Alex asked as she touched the hand on her cheek and intertwined the fingers of their hands.

         Maggie paused. She looked to the side, her jaw set as her emotions caught up with her.

         “These things don’t end well for me Alex. They never do. And I just, I wanted to take the chance with you. But I didn’t want to hurt you, because everything I touch just…” _Breaks. Because I’m broken. And I didn’t want to break you too. But I’m too selfish to let you go now, I lo-like you too much to let you go now._

         Alex somehow read all of this in the silence and lifted her arm, pushing Maggie’s hair back as she grabbed her cheeks to keep her attention.

         “You aren’t going to hurt me Maggie.” Maggie looked up at her in disbelief. “I trust you, and I know you aren’t going to hurt me. I’m afraid too. I’ve never felt what I feel for you before, for anyone. But I trust you.”

         “Okay.”

         Alex kissed Maggie on the forehead, pulling her in for a hug and ignoring the burning in her ribs. Maggie’s arms wrapped around her waist, and she nuzzled her head into the crook of Alex’s neck. No matter what Alex said, Maggie would always be afraid. This thing that they had scared her, not just because it didn’t work out for her in the past, but also because it felt so right. Too right.

         Alex rubbed slow circle’s into her back, swooning at the sigh that Maggie released as she relaxed even further into Alex. She mumbled something into Alex’s shoulder, but it was illegible.

         “Huh?”

         Maggie lifted her head. “Movie?” Alex nodded with a smile, and reached over to grab the remote without letting go of Maggie. She pressed play and set the remote back onto the table, turning as she leaned over to lay horizontally on the couch.

         Not wanting to hurt Alex by laying on top of her, Maggie maneuvered between her and the back of the couch, and they managed to end up both facing the tv with Maggie as the big spoon.

         Maggie was still stiff behind Alex though, not knowing if she was still okay with the close contact, and so Alex grabbed her left arm and wrapped it around her waist. Maggie smiled as Alex once again snuggled into her, and was focused more on Alex than the movie- which she had already seen more times that she would admit.

         She glanced up at the screen every once in awhile, during the scenes that truly made this movie one of the best she had ever seen, but in truth her mind was focused on Alex. She watched her facial expressions, and the way her breathing hitched during the many emotional scenes in the movie, and she stared at the curve of Alex’s waist beneath her fingertips, and the gentle pulse at her throat. And although she wouldn’t admit it, there were a few times that she simply closed her eyes and focused on the distinct scent beneath her nose that was fresh and clean and a little sweet that she had already labeled _Alex_.

         A few hours later, when the movie was over, Maggie slipped from between Alex and the couch and stood up, reaching her hand down. Alex took it and stood, allowing Maggie to lead her to the kitchen.

         “So food?” Maggie asked, opening Alex’s fridge, only to reveal a box of week old pizza, a half a carton of orange juice, some bacon, and a single slice of chocolate cake that had definitely seen some better days.

         “Nope,” Alex said, wrapping her arms around Maggie.

         “What do you eat?” she asked, turning around in Alex’s arms and pulling her in. She didn’t mind that Alex couldn’t seem to keep her hands off of her. In fact she knew all too well the craving for human contact after being kidnapped. She had had some fun times undercover.

         “Takeout usually. And sometimes Kara brings stuff over.”

         “You need a healthier diet Danvers. Maybe I’ll cook for you while you’re off,” Maggie promised.

         “Really?”

         “If you want me to. So what do you want to order? And don’t argue with me, you’re injured so you get to choose.”

         “How about Italian?” Alex said with a sly smile.

         “You’re just saying that because you know it’s my favorite,” Maggie said biting her lip.

         “It is possible, but you will never know,” Alex said leaning even further into Maggie's arms, rubbing her nose against Maggie's. Maggie smiled.

         “I know just the place.”

 

         “Stop complaining,” Maggie joked as she leaned back onto the couch, throwing her legs up around Alex.

         “But I’m hungry, and it’s been almost an hour,” Alex whined as she laid into Maggie's arms, indicating for her to wrap her arms around her.

         Maggie complied, and Alex snuggled even further into her.

         “Okay but they’re a fifteen minute drive away, why does it take so long?”

         “Because they make everything fresh. Good things take time.”

         “Well they’re running out of time,” Alex grumbled.

         “Patience is a virtue babe,” Maggie said, the nickname falling easily from her lips. Alex sighed in contentment. She had never really been fond of pet names before. When guys had used them it seemed as if they were laying claim to her, so she had made sure to let them know that they weren’t really her thing. But it seemed like when it came to Maggie, everything was her thing.

         Maggie noticed the response from Alex after she used the pet name and smiled, filing that information away for later.

         “It’s worth it, I promise.”

         “It better be.”

         Minutes later they heard a knock on the door, and Maggie scrambled out from under Alex and was at the door before she had even stood up.

         “Thanks Jake,” she grinned to a tall teenager on the other side of the door, handing him more than enough money for the food and a nice tip.

         “Any time Maggie,” he smiled back as he turned and made his way down the hall.

         Maggie turned around, closing the door behind her with a dimpled smile on her face. Alex laughed at her adorableness and Maggie made a face at her, sticking out her tongue. She walked to the island in the kitchen and set the bag down, pulling out the to-go boxes and spreading them out. She left one in the bag and tied it up, placing it in the fridge, and proceeded back to the couch with the 3 boxes she had taken out and two forks.

Alex moved to be next to her, and Maggie gave her a serious look.

         “Now, this is sacred Italian food right here. This is the real deal, none of that Olive Garden knockoff pasta. I expect you to treat it as such.” Alex nodded back at her seriously.

         “I understand.”

         Maggie handed her the box and Alex popped it open to reveal the most delicious looking lasagna she had ever seen in her life. Her stomach growled in response as she began to salivate over the contents of the box.

         Maggie wordlessly handed her a fork, watching as Alex stuck it into the pasta. She brought the fork back up to her lips, slipping it onto her palate. A low, throaty moan escaped her lips.

         “Oh my god,” she whispered, her fork flying down to gather more pasta. Maggie smiled as she watched Alex dig into her meal, biting her lip as Alex moaned out in pleasure. She could think of some other ways she could elicit that moan. Many other ways.

         She pulled her thoughts from the gutter and smiled, choosing to open her box, which was also lasagna, and began to eat.

         It was a few minutes later that she remembered the third box, which she popped open with no preamble. Inside were thick slices of homemade garlic bread, one of which she handed over to Alex who seemed to like it as much as she liked the pasta.

 

         “I don’t think I can eat any more,” Alex gasped, setting her half full box on the table next to Maggie’s.

         “So you’re saying you liked it,” Maggie smiled wide, mocking Alex.

         “It’s the best lasagna I’ve ever had in my life. That might actually be the greatest meal I’ve ever had, God,” Alex said. She looked over and a crinkle formed between her eyes as she took in Maggie’s bashful smile.

         “Wait, is this from the place you worked at in college?” Alex asked, remembering when Maggie had told her about the Italian restaurant she cooked at that had just re-opened when she moved to National city.

         “Yeah,” Maggie kept smiling, biting her lip as she looked up at Alex. “Actually this was my grandmother’s recipe that I shared with them.” Alex looked at Maggie, who sat beside her with a small smile on her face, her eyes focused on the ground.

         She reached out to Maggie’s chin, caressing it with her hand as she lifted it so that Maggie would raise her eyes. “You are amazing,” Alex said, honesty ringing in her voice.

         “I-”

         “You are amazing,” she repeated, cutting off whatever self deprecating sentence she knew would cross Maggie’s lips. She leaned in and planted a soft kiss on her lips, showing Maggie that she meant what she said. She pulled away slowly and opened her eyes, staring into Maggie's smile that still gave her that swoop feeling in her stomach. She wondered if it would ever go away. She hoped not.

         “So I have to ask…” she began with a deadly serious voice, drawing Maggie in. “What’s in the bag?”

         Maggie’s face lit up and she grabbed Alex’s hand, dragging her into the kitchen. She let her hand go as she poured two cups of coffee, ignoring Alex’s questioning glance as she grabbed another two forks and the bag from the fridge. She beckoned Alex to sit on a stool, and Maggie sat on one facing her. She reached into the bag, pulling out yet another, albeit smaller, box.

         She opened it, revealing a large piece of tiramisu. She looked at Alex with an almost vulnerable look on her face as she passed her a fork. This time, however, she did not wait for Alex to take the first bite, instead choosing to go first, a sweet smile slowly appearing on her face as she chewed.

         Alex’s heart skipped at the peaceful look on Maggie's face as she reached in to take a bite of her own. She had never had tiramisu before, and it was delicious. A smile formed on her face, but it was because of the contentment she felt radiating from Maggie.

         They finished it in minutes, Maggie leaving the last bite for Alex. But instead of eating it herself she fed it to Maggie, who ate it with a surprised look on her face. She didn’t give any explanation, and mumbled a low _thank you_ to Alex with a blush on her face.

         She picked up the box and threw it away, insisting that Alex stay on her stool while Maggie finished cleaning up.

         When the last box was thrown away, and their forks and cups were washed, Maggie stood in front of Alex dreading what she knew she had to say next.

         “Well, it’s about time for me to go,” she said, wanting more than anything to stay, because she didn’t know if she could be away from Alex. Alex who’s side she hadn’t left because she had almost died, had almost left Maggie, and Maggie didn’t know if she could ever come back from that. She was too far gone to ever be able to come back from that.

         Alex grabbed her arm as she turned to grab her jacket, pulling her back around so that they were facing each other. “Stay,” she breathed out, as if it were taking a lot of effort. And then Maggie realised it was because she had taken her pain meds over 8 hours ago and needed to take more.

         “I shouldn’t. You need to rest,” she said without much conviction.

         “Please Maggie,” Alex said, her voice cracking, vulnerability setting in on her features. “I just… I need you here, with me, right now. I thought I’d never see you again and I need…”

_To be with you. To touch you. To know that I’m alive, and that you’re alive, and that we are okay._

         Somehow Maggie understood all of this, receiving her message from the look in Alex’s eyes because Maggie felt the same way. She honestly didn’t know if she would have been able to leave, she probably would have just sat outside her door all night.

         So she let Alex lead her from the kitchen and through her apartment, right to her bedroom that didn’t have a door.

         Alex didn’t let go of her hand as she opened a drawer, passing Maggie her favorite sweatshirt and pants, pointing her to the bathroom so that she could change. She walked out a few minutes later, and the sight that beheld Alex took her breath away.

         The clothes that she had given Maggie were only a little too big on her, loose but tight enough that she could still see her shape. Maggie noticed Alex staring and she smiled, by now fully comfortable with her body and proud that Alex felt comfortable enough expressing her attraction. Still, Alex blushed when she realized that Maggie saw her staring, and instead of saying anything she took Maggie's hand and walked her to bed.

         They laid down together, yanking the covers up over them as they settled together in comfortable silence. Maggie pulled Alex into her arms, making sure to watch out for Alex’s ribs.

         Something had been bothering Alex though, and so she spoke, “Why did you react the way you did when I fed you?”

         “No one's ever fed me before.”

         Alex grimaced at that, her eyebrows briefly knitting in confusion before her face cleared. She tilted her head to the side before saying, “Well I have to treat my girl right, don’t I?”

         Maggie smiled at that, _my girl._ When she had dated girls before, and she figured that she and Alex were at least dating, they had never referred to her with such soft words. They never saw past her leather jackets and her triumph and the gun on her hip. They never saw past the bravado that she put on as the result of years of anguish.

         She was the top, she was the one in charge, she was the leader. She was the one who had to provide words of comfort, and the one who had to always protect the other. She was the one who gave the soft words of endearment, and who held her feelings in because there was never enough room for them.

         It was already so different with Alex. And she knew it would be. But that was because Alex was different, Alex was exceptional in every form of the word.

         They had been together for only a day but the way they acted around each other was like they had been dating for months. The way they moved, the way they leaned into each other’s touch, the way that their hands always seemed to find each other no matter what they had been doing: from driving, to eating, and watching tv, it just felt right.

         Everything felt new, there was an electricity flowing between them that was unmistakable. It flowed through her entire body like fire, wild and uncontrolled. And she went to sleep, her arms around Alex, more happy than she had been for months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter and then a long chapter because it's been a minute


	16. Watch out for the ribs

         Maggie was already changed before Alex had woken. She was running late and had to stop by home before she went to work, and so they parted with a strong hug and a long kiss and a  _ You be careful out there, Sawyer _ , followed by an  _ I always am, Danvers _ .

 

         Alex was bored. It had been 3 hours since her last text from Maggie and 2 hours since her sister had checked up on her and she was bored.

         She had finally finished the science journal she started reading a month ago, but never finished. She cleaned her room and did all the laundry in the house, even though it hurt to move. She paced her living room, ate a bagel, and reread the first 3 books in the Harry Potter Series. And she was so bored.

         It had started to rain lightly outside, and she grumbled under her breath. She could go for a walk outside, she was a grown ass woman. She could take care of herself.

         Alex walked over to her closet and threw on a light jacket and some rain boots. She left her apartment, took the elevator down to the lobby, and was outside in less than ten minutes. 

         She smiled as she walked out into the rain, feeling the coolness of the air as she began her walk. She headed down the block towards her favorite bakery, stopping at it’s door to inhale the scent of some freshly made cinnamon buns before turning to keep walking.

         She began shivering after a few minutes and decided to turn back around. If she got pneumonia Maggie would kill her.

         She walked back into the lobby and pressed the button for the elevator. A few seconds passed and it reached the ground floor, opening with a ding, and revealing a very worried looking Maggie on the other side.

         “Alex!” she exclaimed, jumping out and pulling her into a tight hug.

         “Ribs, ribs,” she gasped, and Maggie let her go.

         “I was so worried, I’ve been trying to call you for half an hour. Where were you?” she asked, her eyebrows knit with worry.

         “I just went for a walk,” Alex said quietly. Maggie’s eyebrow raised.

         “And you forgot your phone. Jesus Alex, don’t scare me like that,” she said, shaking her head as she pulled Alex onto the elevator.

         “Why are you here?” Alex asked, pressing the 4 as the doors closed. “I thought you didn’t get off till 10 today, it’s only 6.”

         “I got someone to cover my second shift so I could see you. I stopped by home on the way here to shower and change,” she said, slipping her hand into Alex’s.

         The elevator dinged to a stop and they got off, entering Alex’s apartment and taking off their wet clothes.

         Maggie made Alex sit, and knowing that she didn’t take her medication, made her swallow her pain pills, before turning to heat up their leftovers from the previous night.

         They sat together on the couch, and Maggie told Alex about all of the paperwork she had to do because of her time working with the DEO. It was all she did all day. Alex laughed at the pained look on Maggie’s face as she recounted exactly how boring her day had been.

         They finished eating pretty quickly, and Alex turned on a movie, grabbing a blanket and convincing Maggie to cuddle and watch with her. To be honest Maggie didn’t really pay attention to the movie, she remembered it being one that she had taken some girl to a while back, and neither it nor the girl was worth remembering.

         So she laid behind Alex and focused on the more important things, like the warm buzz she felt radiating from her body being this close to her. It wasn’t a feeling that she was used to, being this comfortable this quickly with someone. But Alex made it easy. Alex made everything easy.

\--------

         Alex woke up first this time. The past week (had it really been 7 days?) Maggie had been sleeping over her house. She hadn’t had to ask, and neither had Maggie.

         She slid out from beneath the sheets, knowing that Maggie’s alarm would be going off in minutes. By the time it had she had already started the coffee, and Maggie walked over to her with a crooked smile on her face.

         “Hey babe,” she said, kissing Alex before turning to pour herself some. Alex smiled at the comfort Maggie felt with her, and wrapped her arms around Maggie from behind. Maggie smiled into her cup, taking a few much needed gulps before setting it back down and turning in Alex’s arms.

         Alex leaned down and placed a kiss on Maggie’s lips, and it turned deep quickly. Maggie’s arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her in, and she felt the curves of her body contour against Maggie's. She sighed into the kiss, letting out a moan as Maggie sucked on her bottom lip. She tangled her fingers in Maggie’s hair, pulling her closer.

         Alex repeated a move Maggie had done to her, and Maggie let out a moan that sent heat flying to Alex’s core. She was surprised by the feeling. She had been turned on before, usually by Maggie, but it was mostly in passing. This feeling settled, and she could feel a pull that she really wanted to tug. 

         “I have to go to work,” Maggie sighed as she leaned forward and kissed Alex again.

         “I know,” Alex pouted, giving Maggie another kiss as she tried to ignore the warmth in her stomach.

         She washed the coffee cups and read the paper while Maggie showered, but her mind was pretty far in the gutter. What really didn’t help things was Maggie walking out of her bathroom shirtless because she had forgotten to take one that she had borrowed from Alex in with her. Alex watched her jog across the apartment and grab the shirt, slowly buttoning it up.

         She finished watching Maggie get dressed, thinking about how she really wanted to undress her and have Maggie teach her exactly what she had been missing out on. Maggie was ready a few minutes later, and she gave Alex one final, very long, kiss before heading out for the day.


	17. I'm nervous too

         Alex was frustrated all day. Maggie had left her, albeit unknowingly, hot and bothered for the third day in a row, and nothing she did could distract her from the way Maggie’s body had felt against hers. She still couldn’t sleep without Maggie beside her, so she tried watching tv, eating, reading, walking. None of it worked.

         She was still thinking of what to do when she got a call from Maggie.

         “Hey babe,” Maggie smiled into the phone when she heard Alex pick up.

         “Hey Mags,” Alex smiled back, the new nickname she had for Maggie falling easily off her tongue. “How’s your day been?”

         “Not bad. I made two arrests on that case I was telling you about, but we still haven’t found the hideout yet. We’re getting close though.”

         “I know you’ll get him soon. Did you look into his banker yet?”

         “Yep. Apparently he’s been in Georgia for 6 months, which I don’t believe at all,” Maggie sighed into the phone. “So what you been up to babe?”

         “Being bored.” Maggie could hear Alex’s pout through the phone.

         “I’m sorry, I’ll try and get off early. Maybe we can do something?” Maggie asked, feeling a nervous flutter in her stomach.

         “Please can we?” Alex asked, really almost begged. Maggie paused, really wanting to ask Alex something that she was pretty sure she knew the answer to. Didn’t make her any less worried though.

         “Hey Alex?”

         “Yes Maggie?” Alex smiled into the phone, her head tilting- a habit that she had quickly picked up from Maggie.

         “Do you want to go out with me?” she asked, her voice soft as she bit her lip in anticipation.

         Alex beamed, her chest expanding. “Of course I want to go out with you Maggie Sawyer. It would be my pleasure.”

         “The pleasures all mine Alex Danvers.”

\-----

         They agreed that Maggie would pick her up at 7 and that they would go on a real date, dresses and all. Alex was confident as she began to get ready at five, taking a long shower with hot water to loosen the muscles in her back and help the ache still in her ribs before she decided what to wear.

         She walked into her closet and looked at the 2 rows of mostly unworn dresses in front of her. In all honesty she loved to wear them, and she knew she looked great in them, but she never really had that many chances to go out. And so they sat in her closet.

         She slinked through the first row slowly. While she usually just wore whatever was on top, tonight she wanted her outfit to express how she felt. She wanted to do… things. With Maggie. And she knew that Maggie felt like she wasn’t ready for that step. She could tell from the way Maggie pulled back when they had kissed this morning.

         She decided on a red dress that she had never worn before. It was similar to the one she had worn at the warehouse a while back, but this one was slightly longer and hugged her curves more. The shoulder straps were silky and hung down her arms, and the shoes she chose to match were just as sexy.

         She had to call Kara to zip her dress up for her, because her ribs still really hurt and would for a while, and smiled when her sister asked to do her makeup. Kara nearly broke into tears when she finished her mascara.

         “I’m so happy for you, Alex. You deserve this, you’ve always deserved this,” she smiled as she pulled Alex into a tight hug.

         “Stop or I’m gonna cry,” Alex said, her voice shaky as she kissed Kara on the cheek.

         “Okay, okay,” Kara sniffled as she stepped back. There was a light knock on the door and Kara lowered her glasses to see who it was.

         “She’s here,” Kara smiled, giving her sister a final hug. “You two have fun.”

         Kara turned and flew out the window, and Alex gathered herself. She walked slowly towards the door, and took a breath before opening it. Her heart almost jumped out of her chest when she saw Maggie on the other side, holding a bouquet of roses and wearing… Jesus Christ, wearing a black suit. Her mouth gaped open and she forgot how to speak as she looked at the way the suit clung to Maggie’s curves. She felt that pang down below again and bit her lip, her eyes travelling up Maggie’s body to her eyes.

         Maggie was smiling with her dimples out, but she looked nervous.

         “Hi,” she said, her voice soft and flowing like silk in Alex’s ears.

         “Hi,” Alex breathed out, overwhelmed at how gorgeous Maggie looked.

         She stepped back and let Maggie in. When she closed the door and turned around Maggie was staring at her, a blush on her face as she held out the flowers.

         “You look stunning Alex,” she said, her eyes never wavering. Alex blushed and looked down for only a moment before looking back up and meeting Maggie’s eyes.

         “You look beautiful Maggie,” Alex smiled, her heart still pounding because she never knew someone could look so beautiful and so fucking sexy at the same time. And that suit? That suit was doing things to her, making ideas pop into her head that were making her blush almost as much as Maggie calling her stunning.

         Maggie’s smile grew wider, if possible, and Alex swooned at the sight of her double dimples. Maggie walked to the kitchen as Alex went to grab her purse and put the roses in a glass vase and set them on the counter. She walked back into the living room where Alex stood watching her anxiously.

         “Hey babe, you okay? If you don’t want to go out it’s-”

         “No!” Alex said, her voice raised. She looked away embarrassed.

         “I want to go out. With you. On a date. Tonight. I just…” she took a shaky breath as she mumbled, “I’m really nervous.” And she was. It was the first real date she had been on in over four years, and back then she didn’t really date so much as party.

         “Can I tell you something Alex?” Maggie asked, intertwining her fingers with Alex’s. Alex nodded.

         “I’m nervous too,” she whispered with an air of secrecy.

         Alex looked up at her in disbelief. “But you date, and you’ve had girlfriends and-”

         “Yes. But it’s my first date with you Alex.”

         Alex beamed at that, pulling Maggie in for a slow kiss. “Okay. So where are we going?” Alex asked as Maggie pulled back.

         “It’s a surprise,” Maggie said laughing. “I told you that over the phone Alex.”

         “True, but you could let a girl know what she’s getting herself into.”

         “I could, but I guess you’re just going to have to find out.”

\----

         The restaurant Maggie took her to was Bienvenue Mon Ami, a french restaurant on the edge of town that had been open for more than 60 years.

         Maggie insisted on being the perfect gentlewoman the whole night. She drove, opened every door for Alex to wave her through, and pulled out her chair at their reserved table, giving her a quick kiss before moving to sit down on the other side.

         Dinner was perfect, even though Alex didn’t remember what she ate, or the wine she drank, or what they shared for dessert. She didn’t remember the name of their waiter, or the beautiful music playing in the background.

         But there were things that she knew she would never forget. Like how beautiful Maggie’s skin looked in the rosy lighting of the restaurant. Or how her head tilted and leaned in every time Alex began a sentence. Or how lovely her laugh sounded when Alex told her a corny joke. Her smile never faltered, not once during the meal. And every time she looked at Alex her it just grew wider.

         Alex had never felt so at peace before, so at ease. Everything was so natural with Maggie, and even though the nervous flutter in her stomach never went away she was more content than she had ever been.

         When the meal was finished, and Maggie insisted on paying, they walked out holding hands. Maggie, again, insisted on opening her door and driving them back. Alex sighed as she sat in the passenger's seat, her hand intertwined with Maggie’s as they sped home. She was happy.

\------

         They walked inside the apartment, still holding hands because it just felt right. They walked to Alex’s bedroom, and Maggie went to the bathroom to change.

         When Maggie came back out, though, Alex was still in her dress and standing in the middle of her room. She looked up when Maggie exited the bathroom.

         “My ribs still hurt. Can you help me uh…”

         “Yeah, of course,” Maggie said, padding over to Alex in the darkness of the unlit room. Alex turned around, pushing her short hair to the side so that Maggie could grasp the zipper. Maggie grabbed it, and Alex held her breath as Maggie pulled the zipper down ever so slowly, taking her merry time. She could feel the heat of Maggie’s body behind her, could feel electricity whenever Maggie’s skin made contact with hers.

         Maggie’s breaths were shaky as she unzipped Alex’s dress, the warmth in her stomach building exponentially as each new inch of skin was revealed. Alex gulped when Maggie reached the end, and turning around to look at Maggie.

         “Thanks,” she said, her voice shaking as she made a decision. She let the dress fall slowly, and it cascaded down her shoulders in waves onto the floor. Maggie gasped as her body was revealed, covered by only a blue lace bra and matching boy shorts. Her milky skin shined in the pale light from the bathroom, and she took a deep breath before looking up at Maggie.

         “You’re beautiful,” Maggie whispered in awe, her eyes looking into Alex’s. Alex blushed at that and she stepped forward, grabbing Maggie by the collar and pulling her in. She dipped her head down slowly, but Maggie didn’t move for fear that she would burst the bubble of the moment.

         Alex nipped at her bottom lip before pulling her in for a kiss. She pulled Maggie’s body flush against hers, and Maggie slipped her hands around Alex’s waist. Alex felt that heat run through her again, but stronger- heavier. She resisted the urge to go with it and let it take her wherever, and instead let Maggie pull away from the kiss.

         They rested their foreheads against one another, each taking deep breaths to steady their heartbeats.

         “Maggie…” Alex began, still staring into Maggie’s dark eyes that looked up with the sound of her name.

         Maggie nodded, understanding what Alex meant. She gave her a quick kiss and stepped away, watching out of the corner of her eye as Alex turned and slipped on a t-shirt after slipping off her bra. She stood still as Alex approached her again, grabbing her hand and leading her to bed. Alex pushed her down slowly and crawled into bed, almost straddling Maggie as she leaned down over her again for another kiss- this one longer, deeper, lasting minutes but feeling like hours.

         They pulled apart with a sense of finality, and Alex looked down at Maggie.

         “Can I stay here?” she asked shyly, after all of that. By here she was referring to her position on top of Maggie, legs wrapped around her, head on her shoulder.

         Maggie smiled, wrapping her arms around Alex and kissing her on the neck, letting her actions speak for her.


	18. Because I am not Them...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where maybe that last relationship affects Maggie more than either of them realized

         Maggie woke up to being snuggled by a koala bear. Alex. She was still on her chest, ferociously cuddled into Maggie, hands gripping her t-shirt. Maggie smiled at the woman on top of her, how beautiful and carefree she looked while she slept without the weight of the world on her shoulders. Maggie didn’t move for fear of waking her up, but she stared.

         She counted the freckled on Alex’s nose, and tried to memorize the way her breath felt on her neck and the curve of her shoulders. She didn’t have work today, there was no alarm set. And while she had planned on taking Alex out for breakfast, she was content with lying there and holding Alex like this, forever.

\---

         She made it about an hour with Alex on top of her before she had to pee. In that hour she made a map of her body from head to toe, memorizing the way Alex’s skin felt pressed against hers. And there was nothing more satisfying than lying there with her girl in her arms. But she really had to pee.

         She tried to maneuver from beneath Alex, but her grip on Maggie got, if possible, tighter than before as she slowly woke up. Alex grumbled under her breath, and wrapped her arms around Maggie’s neck.

         “Babe,” Maggie smiled, rubbing her hand into Alex’s back. “I have to get up.”

         “Noooo,” Alex whined, her eyes still closed but her face pouting.

         “Yes Alex. I have to use the bathroom so you have to let me up.”

         “But I’m comfy.”

         “I know babe but I have to go. So either you let me up or I’m taking you in there with me.”

         “I wouldn’t mind…” Alex smiled into Maggie’s shoulder.

         Maggie smiled and shook her head. “You brought this on yourself you know.”

         “Brought wha-” Alex’s sentence was cut off as Maggie lowered her hips and flipped them over, careful not to let Alex down on her back too hard. Alex gasped at the sudden turn of events, still surprised as Maggie stood and walked to the bathroom.

         “You said I could go with you!!!” she yelled at Maggie’s retreating form, grumbling as she got out of bed. In all honesty, Maggie flipping her was much sexier than she was quite ready to admit at the moment, and she decided to distract herself from what had become an almost constant throbbing in her core by making coffee.

         She watched the pot fill up with the golden brown liquid, and hummed at she felt Maggie’s arms wrap around her.

         “I have to go in,” Maggie whispered into her ear, Alex hearing the frown in her voice.

         “I thought you were off today?”

         “I am, but there was a mix-up with some of the paperwork from one of my cases and they want me to come in and fix it. It will only take a few hours and then I’m all yours,” Maggie finished, her heart pumping wildly with fear.

         She wasn’t afraid because of the call. She was used to getting called in, she understood it was a part of the job. But some of her past girlfriends had not. In fact she had been broken up with more than once because of it, because of her inconsistency, and it scared her. She was afraid because maybe Alex would see her as obsessed with work too.

         Alex turned around in her arms, the smile on her face turning into one of worry when she looked at the fear on Maggie’s.

         “Babe, hey, it’s alright,” she smiled, slipping her hand up to Maggie’s cheek. “I understand, these things happen. I get it okay?” Maggie nodded, but she was still afraid because they were all okay with it the first few times. They were fine until it interrupted a date, or she got a call in the middle of the night, or she didn’t get home until 4am only to leave again at 8.

         “How about,” Alex said, slipping her hands into Maggie’s hair, “I pick you up when you’re done, and we go out to lunch?”

         Maggie smiled at that and kissed her.

         “I’ll take that as a yes then?”

         “Yes Alex. Lunch.”

         “Okay. Now you go get ready, the sooner you get there the sooner you get off.”

         Maggie turned and walked to get ready, coming back to a thermos of coffee and a kiss from Alex.

         “Be safe,” Alex said as she opened the door.

         “Always,” Maggie smiled, getting in one last kiss before heading to work.

\--------

         Maggie felt sick. Not sick in the literal sense she didn't have a cold, but she did feel like she was going to throw up because what she thought was only going to take 2 or 3 hours took 7. Which meant that she had had to cancel her lunch date with Alex, for work, and she felt horrible.

         She sat in the precinct almost 30 minutes after she finished the paperwork, not wanting to go to Alex’s because she was sure that Alex was mad at her. Why wouldn’t she be? She pushed back their date twice before canceling, and now it was 5:30.

         She could feel the bile in her throat, and her stomach felt like it wanted to rid itself of everything she had managed to eat that day which wasn’t much but still wouldn’t make the experience any less painful. Her phone rang and she picked her head up from her desk to check the caller ID. It was Alex.

         She took a deep breath before answering.

         “Hi,” she said quietly, preparing herself for whatever Alex might have to say.

         “Hey babe,” Alex smiled into the phone. “I know you said it was going to be a while but I was wondering if you were done yet?”

         “Yeah,” Maggie felt like there was a cotton ball in her throat. “Yeah, I just finished a little while ago.”

         “Okay, well I’ll be there in fifteen. See you in a few.”

         “See you,” Maggie finished, hanging up the phone. Her hand was shaking as she slipped it into her pocket.

         She stood and slipped on her jacket, quickly walking to the bathroom. She locked the door behind her and put her hands on the sink, looking at herself in the mirror. She knew, god she knew, that this wasn’t going to end out well for her.

         She got a text from Alex that said she was here, and Maggie took a few more deep breaths, steeling herself for whatever might come. But she knew that if Alex broke her it would be something she couldn’t come back from.

         She walked outside and was met with Alex parked in front of the precinct, leaning on the passenger's side of her government issued car, and wearing her favorite jacket with a t-shirt, jeans and boots. She smiled when she saw her girl, and couldn’t wait for Maggie to get to her so she met her halfway before sweeping her into a kiss.

         “Hey babe,” Alex smiled down at Maggie.

         “Hey,” Maggie tried to smile back, but she was too afraid and her voice wavered. Alex frowned, noticing how Maggie’s smile didn’t reach her eyes. She beckoned Maggie to the car, and got in quickly. She drove a few blocks before pulling into a lot and parking.

         She unbuckled her seatbelt and turned to Maggie. “Spill.”

         Maggie looked at her in confusion, not used to having someone notice when she wasn’t okay, but still, “Alex, I’m fine.”

         “No you’re not Maggie. I know you, so what’s wrong?” Alex asked, her voice soft, her hand slipping into Maggie’s, her eye’s never wavering. Maggie was shaking, from both fear and trying not to cry, but when Alex squeezed her hand the tears started falling.

         She looked away from Alex and out the window, her heart still beating out of her chest. Alex’s hand reached up and pulled her head back slowly, her eyes looking at Maggie lovingly, adoringly.

         “Babe, whatever it is you can tell me. It’s okay,” she said, her thumb swiping at Maggie’s tears.

         “It’s not okay Alex,” Maggie whispered. “I canceled on you, it’s not okay. I went to work on, God, on an off day and I canceled on you and-”

         “Maggie,” Alex said, cutting her off. “I’m not them.”

         She cupped Maggie’s face with both of her hands. “I am not them,” she repeated.

         Maggie’s face didn’t change, so she continued. “I understand what it is to be called in all hours of the day and night Mags. I know what it’s like to have to cancel at the last minute, and to get home 8 hours after your shift ends, and to have paperwork coming out of your ass. I know Maggie. You don’t have to worry about me not understanding because I do. Okay?”

         Maggie nodded, and let a small smile slip onto her face as Alex brought her in for a kiss. This one was, reassuring. 

         “Mags?” she asked, her smile getting wider when she said it.

         “Oh, yeah,” Alex laughed nervously. “Sorry. If you don’t like it I-”

         “I love it,” Maggie said, her head tilting as a full smile appeared on her face, dimples popping.

         “Yeah?”

         “Yeah.”

         Alex smiled too now, and she kissed Maggie on the cheek again.

         “So are you tired?”

         “No why?” Maggie asked, her eyes narrowing with suspicion at Alex’s tone.

         “Because I have a surprise for you.”

         “What is it?”

         “Well it wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you now would it?” Alex asked as she rebuckled her seatbelt. She put the car in drive, smiling at the disgruntled look on Maggie’s face before pulling off.

\----

         It was almost 30 minutes before they reached their destination, a tall hill past the grassy plane outside the city. They parked, and Alex wouldn’t answer any of Maggie’s questions as she grabbed a basket from the back of the car and led the way up the hill to a small clearing surrounded by trees on 3 sides and overlooking the city on the other.

         Alex laid out a blanket and set the basket down before walking over to Maggie who stood shyly on the edge of the clearing.

         “Is this okay?” Alex asked.

         “Alex, it’s perfect,” Maggie smiled, her voice watery as she pulled Alex into a tight hug. She nuzzled into Alex’s neck, arms wrapped tight around her waist because it wasn’t just this that was perfect, it was Alex that was perfect.

         Alex unpacked the basket a few minutes later, revealing some takeout because “the only thing I can cook is breakfast food,” and some tiramisu because, “I wanted to treat my girl” and Maggie almost cried because what had she done to date someone this amazing, this wonderful, this perfect.

         And they spent hours on the ridge, eating, talking, and eventually stargazing while Alex pointed out each star and planet and told Maggie their story, explaining shyly that this was the first time she had ever gone stargazing with someone other than her dad or Kara, smiling when Maggie thanked her for including her in something so important, blushing when they kissed again before continuing on to another star, Maggie cuddled into her side, hanging on to her every word, kissing her during her long pauses, smiling at her favorite parts. And it was all just… perfect.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm writing this in between classes literally right now so I apologize for any errors. Hope ya'll enjoy.


End file.
